Beware, you may cry...

I found this today, which is actually a song. I changed "sister" to "brother", and the age is a bit different but that's okay. I feel like this would be Josiah's song, if he could write it. Jonas would be 2 years and 9 months old as of yesterday.

i have a little brother
but we never got to play
he said hello and said goodbye
the very same day
daddy was so quiet
mommy cried and cried
grandma took me to the park
my parents stayed inside
i have a little brother
i saw his foot slide far
across my mommy’s belly
like a shooting star
i painted him some pictures
of a rainbow on the bay
my brother took them with him
when she went away
people see my family
my brother and me
they say that we have two kids
but i know we have three
i have a little brother
this year he will be two
i like to think of all the things
he and i could do
we’d strum the ukulele
and race the wooden cars
and when he grew up big enough
i’d teach him monkey bars
people see my family
my brother and me
they say that we have two kids
but i know we have three
i have a little brother
he's somewhere up above
i send him secret wishes
and messages of love
he plays with every brother
and sister who is there
on a rainbow-colored playground
floating through the air
i have a little brother
and though it makes me sad
i like to do my puzzles
and wrestle with my dad
my brother does this wiggle
he dances like a clown
sometimes i don’t mind it when
he follows me around
we are all a family
branches on a tree
my brother is my brother
and he will always be

Beautiful Song

My dad attended the annual memorial service today in Sidney for parents who have lost children. I'm thankful that he could be there since I couldn't. They show Jonas' portrait in the slide show, along with many other babies and children of all ages. He said they sang this song and it means a lot to him, so I thought I'd share it. I love the lyrics. Thanks, Dad!

Missing you

Dear little Jonas,

I've been missing you a lot lately. Maybe it's just the holidays. Knowing that our little family will always be minus one no matter how much fun we're having. Maybe it's all this difficult stuff we are going through. It all started with you. I don't want you to feel bad about that. You had no choice in the matter. I will never blame you. But life has never been the same and never will be. I hate being 2.5 hours away from you. When I want to go see your final resting place, I can't. I can't even make sure it's clean and organized. I hate picturing you under the cold ground. I know it's not you under there...you're somewhere far better. But I wish you at least had a blanket or something. :(

love,
mommy

Sometimes I have to write "ugly". Unless I want to fool myself into thinking that life is totally fine now, even 2.5 years after. It's just not. Yes, I am strong and I have endured so much. It could have been worse. And yes, Julien brightened my life more than anything else has since then. But if I am going to be honest, I need to say that I still struggle immensely sometimes.

Tomorrow I am going to an endocrinologist about the Hashimotos thyroid thing. I am also going to request to have all my hormones, including my adrenal glands tested. Whatever I can do to heal, I am going to do it! I overhauled my diet completely, and I hope I can keep that up as difficult as it is. I will keep everyone updated on my health.

Thanks for listening to such a downer post!

B.