Too Beautiful For Earth

Grief in a Jar

2012-01-30T09:39:00.001-07:00

Grief in a Jar
By Jenn Widener - April’s mommy

For many years, I kept my grief in a jar high
upon a shelf. All the secret pain, anger, bitterness
and fear were kept inside my jar. I would never
let it out. I would take it down and dust if off
occasionally, making sure the lid was still tight.
Periodically, I would add little bits to it, (it had
a one-way valve, bits could go in, but nothing
could come out). I would add pain from lost
dreams, missed birthdays and shopping trips,
absent first days of school, sibling quarrels and
bedtime stories. As the years went by, my jar
remained on the shelf. I checked on it from time
to time, clenched my teeth, pulled my hand back
and moved away. “Not now,” I would think,
“I’m too busy.”

One day my jar came crashing down. I was not
prepared. “Hurry! HURRY! Clean it up! Don’t
let it touch me!” I panicked. However, the more
I tried, the more it spread. I was soon sitting
in the middle of the floor, surrounded by the
accumulated years of repressed grief. Pieces
of the jar lay shattered all around me. People
walked by, observing me in this state, shaking
their heads. “Not over it yet?” they’d say. “Get
a grip.” I was lost in my mess.

Then suddenly, I felt the gentle presence of
others around me. I looked up to see these new
friends with smudges on their faces. Others who
bore the smudges of dirt I was now covered in!
THEY KNEW! They knew grief like mine, yet,
were not obliterated by it. Not consumed. They
showed me how to clean up the shattered pieces
of my jar. They helped me pick up the shards of
glass one by one. It was not an easy clean up.
It was painful. They showed me a way to turn
the piercing sharpness of my
grief into something else.
Sixteen years after the death
of my child, my grief is still
with me. No longer bottled
up in a jar, it now exists in a
beautiful pot. It holds a flower
that attracts butterflies. To
me, butterflies are a symbol
of hope. Hope grows from my
grief. Hope that one day I will
see my baby girl again. Hope
that I can give her a voice and
hope that together, we can
make a difference.

Beware, you may cry...

2011-12-13T20:21:00.003-07:00

I found this today, which is actually a song. I changed "sister" to "brother", and the age is a bit different but that's okay. I feel like this would be Josiah's song, if he could write it. Jonas would be 2 years and 9 months old as of yesterday.

i have a little brother
but we never got to play
he said hello and said goodbye
the very same day
daddy was so quiet
mommy cried and cried
grandma took me to the park
my parents stayed inside
i have a little brother
i saw his foot slide far
across my mommy’s belly
like a shooting star
i painted him some pictures
of a rainbow on the bay
my brother took them with him
when she went away
people see my family
my brother and me
they say that we have two kids
but i know we have three
i have a little brother
this year he will be two
i like to think of all the things
he and i could do
we’d strum the ukulele
and race the wooden cars
and when he grew up big enough
i’d teach him monkey bars
people see my family
my brother and me
they say that we have two kids
but i know we have three
i have a little brother
he's somewhere up above
i send him secret wishes
and messages of love
he plays with every brother
and sister who is there
on a rainbow-colored playground
floating through the air
i have a little brother
and though it makes me sad
i like to do my puzzles
and wrestle with my dad
my brother does this wiggle
he dances like a clown
sometimes i don’t mind it when
he follows me around
we are all a family
branches on a tree
my brother is my brother
and he will always be

Beautiful Song

2011-12-11T17:36:00.002-07:00

My dad attended the annual memorial service today in Sidney for parents who have lost children. I'm thankful that he could be there since I couldn't. They show Jonas' portrait in the slide show, along with many other babies and children of all ages. He said they sang this song and it means a lot to him, so I thought I'd share it. I love the lyrics. Thanks, Dad!

Missing you

2011-12-01T15:41:00.002-07:00

Dear little Jonas,

I've been missing you a lot lately. Maybe it's just the holidays. Knowing that our little family will always be minus one no matter how much fun we're having. Maybe it's all this difficult stuff we are going through. It all started with you. I don't want you to feel bad about that. You had no choice in the matter. I will never blame you. But life has never been the same and never will be. I hate being 2.5 hours away from you. When I want to go see your final resting place, I can't. I can't even make sure it's clean and organized. I hate picturing you under the cold ground. I know it's not you under there...you're somewhere far better. But I wish you at least had a blanket or something. :(

love,
mommy

Sometimes I have to write "ugly". Unless I want to fool myself into thinking that life is totally fine now, even 2.5 years after. It's just not. Yes, I am strong and I have endured so much. It could have been worse. And yes, Julien brightened my life more than anything else has since then. But if I am going to be honest, I need to say that I still struggle immensely sometimes.

Tomorrow I am going to an endocrinologist about the Hashimotos thyroid thing. I am also going to request to have all my hormones, including my adrenal glands tested. Whatever I can do to heal, I am going to do it! I overhauled my diet completely, and I hope I can keep that up as difficult as it is. I will keep everyone updated on my health.

Thanks for listening to such a downer post!

B.

One Year Ago

2011-11-03T13:17:00.005-06:00

One year ago today, I was ready to meet Julien, my rainbow baby! I would be heading to the hospital that night to be induced. I was so scared but so relieved for that stressful pregnancy to end with a beautiful breathing baby! After a very long and terrifying labor, our little Julien Reese entered the world and entered my arms and entered into a family who needed him so very much. He filled a void in my heart and I'm so glad he's mine. So happy first birthday tomorrow, Julien!

A little update on my long journey to wellness. A couple of years ago I wrote about finally finding the reason behind my long list of symptoms--I had hypothyroidism. I was treating myself for awhile until I got pregnant with Julien. Pregnancy can raise your thyroid hormone levels, so I no longer was considered "hypo" during that time. A few months after I had Julien, I began to notice many changes in my mood. I blamed most of it on the crazy changing hormones that is typical postpartum stuff. But over the summer and very recently, I felt a new low. I suspected thyroid issues once again, but because of insurance issues (or lack thereof) I had trouble getting seen. I finally found a doctor and had my thyroid tested again. I was once again diagnosed "hypothyroid" and put on meds. I also just recently had an ultrasound done of my thyroid, and it turns out that I have "Hashimotos disease". This means that my immune system is attacking my thyroid gland to the point that it is not producing enough hormones which is wreaking havoc on my mind, body, and adrenal glands (stress coping gland). I will be seeing an endocrinologist next month to find out what the next step will be. My thyroid is very abnormal in appearance as well, but they did not see anything that looked cancerous, thank God. In the meantime, I put myself on a gluten-free diet because there is a direct correlation between autoimmune issues such as Hashimotos, and celiac disease. Joss has been on a gluten free dairy free diet for almost a year, so I know all about it and the amazing changes that can come from removing these allergens. I've felt for quite some time that many of my health issues stem from gluten, but I haven't had the strength or will-power to attempt the diet. Joss must be so strong! ;) After finding out about the Hashimotos, I decided that that was the go-ahead I needed to go gluten-free. I am expecting to see some massive changes in my mind and my health...not to mention my appearance, which honestly has suffered because of my unbalanced hormones.

So that is where I am at today! I believe it has all been building for a very long time, and my pregnancies exacerbated everything...especially the loss of my little Jonas, which put me over the edge in a sense. Jonas would be 2 and a half years old now. I almost went to a grief support group a couple of months ago, but it never worked out and maybe I'm not in the right mindset to go back to that place right now. Someday I will be.

In Memory

2011-08-17T13:20:00.003-06:00

Lots of memories flooding back to me as a baby girl was laid to rest today. I feel like I should write something today in memory of one of Heaven's newest little angels. Like me, her mommy's dreams were crushed after 9 months of carrying her within. Something so unexpected that changed her and her family's life forever. Life will never be the same for them. That doesn't mean that it will never be beautiful again, because it will. A different sort of beautiful. But only in time. And not anytime soon.

I'm so sorry this had to happen. Why did it have to happen? Something so unfair with such gut-wrenching pain. No one should have to bury their child. Please don't tell me it's God's will. Because the immediate thought is, "What kind of God would take a child from her mother?" I don't believe it's God's will. I believe it's part of residing here on Earth, which is full of so much pain but also full of so much joy and beauty and love. I believe that because it happened, God will use it for Good...somehow. That's just what I believe. I don't claim to have the answers, though. I will find out for sure someday when I'm reunited with Jonas.

On the subject of grief. It's so complex! Raw grief is the worst. Those first few months. When you wonder if you'll ever stop crying. Every time you take a shower you burst into tears at the thought of what just happened to you. Did this really happen? Is this really my life? It wasn't supposed to happen to me. Why didn't the doctors see anything? Could this have been prevented? if only...if only...maybe it's my fault...maybe it's something I ate...Why why why? (It wasn't my fault, it wasn't something I ate...) Yes that horrible raw grief is the most difficult. And then the grief changes into something different...For me it was a sort of peaceful depression. Mixed with crazy hormones that are trying to get back to normal. The world spins around and around and all you see are babies and pregnant women. Movies are full of everything that makes you sad. Your arms are empty. You find yourself comforting those who are trying to comfort you...no one knows what to say, and you don't know what to say back...sometimes silence and a hug is the best response.

It is by far one of the worst things a person will go through. And I HATE that someone else has to experience it. My heart breaks when I hear about another angel. It's so sad and all I can do is pray my heart out. Not only are you grieving, planning a funeral, and burying your child, but you are also a post-partum woman! Anyone who's had a baby knows that it takes time for a woman's body to heal after giving birth. Your body knows you just had a baby and kicks into full gear producing milk and going through hormone changes. To put it lightly, it's not fun.

The good news? There is healing! Lots of ways to heal, too. What would I have done without my family and friends? Especially my mom. She listened to me burst into tears while talking on the phone. She listened (and still does) to all my woes and angry venting. I was hurt by well-intentioned people during that awful time, and my mom listened when I felt like I couldn't share with anyone else. I can't imagine her pain as well--the loss of a grandchild is also something that no one should experience. As cliche as it may sound, I can't imagine how I would have gotten through that time without God by my side. I remember feeling a sense of peace as we drove to the hospital to give birth to my son, knowing fully well that he would not be coming back home with me. It's during those dark times that you really understand that there's someone greater looking after you. Something bigger. Full of perfect love.

Time has healed, and is still healing, my own wounds. It's been 2 and a half years for me, and I look back at that time in my life and my heart hurts because I remember vividly how dark my life felt. As the years keep coming, though, life gets brighter and brighter. I wish only the best for this family as they grieve. I hope the journey is smooth and bright. I hope they feel peace along the way and seek out family and friends to get them through. Sending loving thoughts and prayers their way.

Long Overdue

2011-05-05T20:20:00.005-06:00

I've been meaning to write for awhile now--so here I am, finally getting a small window of opportunity to do so. I've been very sick and in the middle of relocating across the city, so things have been eventful.

I've been wanting to share some photos of Jonas' 2nd birthday. It was a windy day, but a peaceful one. This was Julien's first year celebrating his big brother's birthday.

This year on Easter, we tried to tell Josiah about the death of Jesus on the cross. But how the heck do you explain that to an almost 4-year old? Well, this was his response. He said, "Jesus died like Jonas died. Jonas is in Heaven and Jesus is in Heaven." So, maybe he's starting to understand. I've always been worried about how to explain Jonas to the boys. Josiah is just now getting old enough to understand that he has a third brother who is a baby and who died. Telling Julien will be a different situation. He won't realize until he's much older that he probably wouldn't be here if Jonas had not passed away. I hope he doesn't feel pain when he thinks about that. I hope he realizes that there's a reason for his life. That's the only thing that kept me sane while pregnant with him. I love him so much. I try not to dwell on the "what ifs" because life is what it is and I'm here right now raising two beautiful boys. It's an important calling.

I'd like to get this book for Julien. It looks perfect for this situation.

Happy Birthday, 2-year old!

2011-03-12T10:58:00.002-07:00

Happy Birthday, Jonas! I wonder what you would be like as a 2-year old. Walking, of course. Talking a lot--maybe some terrible two-ness. You would be so cute and you'd probably be picking on your older brother a lot! I'm sure you two would fight, but that's what brothers do. I can't believe it's been 2 years. Last year on your birthday, I told you that you were going to be a big brother. You were a wonderful guardian angel and now Julien is here being a cute little chubby baby like you would have been. He is excited to celebrate your birthday for the first time! We'll be going out to the cemetery soon to release balloons and give you a few other gifts. We love you so much...we always think of you...we'll always be a family of 5, not 4. Happy Birthday, sweet little boy!

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Josiah, and Julien

It's that time of year again

2011-02-18T14:16:00.004-07:00

February means that March is quickly arriving. March means that my baby Jonas will turn 2 on the 12th. It really came up quick. I've been so busy with the new baby that I hadn't even thought about this sad day coming up. Which might be a good thing. Last year, I dreaded it for months and months. This year I have my new blessing, Julien, to help get me through that entire week. The 11th will always be the most painful day because that's when I found out. Last year Jonas' birthday was a very peaceful day, so I anticipate that every year will be peaceful.

It used to be that seeing babies made me sad after I lost Jonas, but now when I see a 2-year old I still feel a slight pain in my heart. Sometimes I don't even think about it, but other times I can't help but think that Jonas would be that tall and that terrible. ;)

I know that with each passing year, the hole in my heart grows smaller and smaller. I don't think it will ever be gone for good, but just not as evident. Like I've said before, Julien brought with him so much joy and peace for our family. I see both Josiah and Jonas in him. I look at his face and thank God for bringing him here safely. I don't take him for granted. Whenever he cries a lot and I get a bit frustrated like any mother does, I quickly retract those feelings and enjoy hearing the sound of a baby crying.

Sometimes we slip up and call Julien "Jonas". Sometimes we call him "Josiah". My dad still calls my sister Brianna "Brittney" and vice-versa. It's kind of funny. Julien is about to outgrow all of Jonas' baby clothes. At first I felt weird about dressing him in Jonas' clothes that he never got to wear, but Julien also wears Josiah's old baby clothes and I don't want to have painful memories associated with clothes. Now I will remember Julien wearing them. :)

Recently I read the book "Heaven is For Real". It's a book of the accounts of a little boy who says he went to Heaven during a life-saving surgery. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who plans on reading it, so stop reading this if you plan to. The boy's mother had a miscarriage before she had him. He didn't know this, but told his parents that he met his sister in Heaven and she kept hugging him. She told him that she couldn't wait for their parents to arrive in Heaven so she could be with them.

I couldn't help but feel so much joy reading that. If it's true for them, then it's true for us. Jonas is anticipating our arrival. That means that he is probably spending time with our relatives who have already passed away.

I haven't written in awhile for obvious reasons. Julien will be 4 months old already in March! Life is good right now. Next month will be difficult, but it must come and go like it did last year and like it will forever.

Life is Good!

2010-11-30T12:21:00.002-07:00

It really is. Sure, I've been experiencing some major hormonal shifts right now, but that's a natural part of the postpartum period. The first month after having a baby is NOT fun as far as how my body feels, but it has almost been a month since Julien arrived and that means things are quickly going back to normal! A new normal, that is. No more anxious thoughts about being pregnant and no more poking obsessively at my baby to feel movement. It's freeing. Of course I still worry about my baby's safety and we constantly check to make sure he's breathing, but I think that's a normal "new parent" thing to do.

Julien is very healthy and is gaining lots of weight. He was born 8 lbs. 3 oz, but went down to 7 lbs. at his checkup a few days after birth. Then two weeks later he was at 8 and a half lbs. So he's doing very well.

During the Thanksgiving weekend we went to Sidney and stopped by the cemetery to visit Jonas. It was a quick visit and I didn't bring anything for him. I felt a little guilty about that, but it's harder to do those things with a new baby. My mind is all over the place lately. But of course I'm sure he's forgiving. :) In a few years, my boys will be able to pick something out to bring to their brother. I think they will enjoy doing that for holidays/birthdays.

Josiah loves his new brother! At first he was a little confused and sometimes called him Jonas. But now he's beginning to understand that the painting on our wall is Jonas, and this baby is Julien. I don't think he'll fully understand for a few years, though. Whenever we drive by a cemetery, he always says, "Look at all these Jonases!" haha...it's cute--and funny seeing how a 3 year old understands things.

Well, baby calls so I've got to wrap this up quickly. I'm not sure what direction this blog will be heading in. It is still meant for Jonas, so I will focus on him as much as I can.

Jonas is a big brother!

2010-11-10T13:56:00.003-07:00

Well, he's here! Born November 4th at 9:18 pm, weighing 8 lbs. 3 oz. and measuring 20 inches. He's absolutely perfect, and we can't stop staring at him. He's got light brown hair--my first brunette baby! We'll see if it stays brown. His eyes could possibly turn hazel like Zac's. He's so beautiful.

The labor/birth of Julien was very long and traumatic at the end. Everyone expected him to come quickly, since he's my third. Things progressed slowly, even though I demanded to be able to get up and walk around and move through the labor. That's what helped things go smoothly and easily with Jonas, so I knew I had to have that again. I did move a lot, but I was still uncomfortable. It was a typical hospital birth--hooked up to tubes and monitors and looking like a sick patient. I kept saying over and over that this is just wrong! Births weren't meant to be this way. I just wanted him here, though, so I was willing to do anything. I was induced slowly Wednesday night and was even having regular contractions before they started anything. But we found out later that Julien's head was laying sideways against the cervix, so only part of it was dilating. That's why it was taking so long. When I was about 8 cm, the nurses became frantic and were calling people in. Julien's heartrate was dropping after each contraction. They said it wasn't too serious as long as it didn't keep happening. Well, it did keep dropping and so they actually "refilled" the amniotic fluid inside me, which had broken earlier that afternoon. They wanted to keep him suspended so it would help the heart rate somehow. I'm so glad I refused to have them break the water first thing that morning. Knowledge is power and I knew that rupturing the membranes could possibly slow things down, and in my case Julien could have been in further danger. Then they attached a heart monitor to his head so they could get a more accurate reading. It began dropping lower...and lower...and they were panicking and started moving me around onto my sides trying to get it up again. Zac and I were unbelievably terrified. They put an oxygen mask on me. I came close to hyperventilating out of fear. The sound of Julien's heart slowing down to almost silence was the worst thing I've ever heard with one exception--the silence I heard on the heart monitor when they were searching for Jonas' heartbeat. I prayed and prayed and kept begging God, "Don't do this to us! This was supposed to be a safe and uneventful birth!" (But God doesn't DO things like this to us...that's another topic, though). I begged the nurse to do a c-section--get him out of me! I was about 9 cm and so very close, which is why I think they were waiting. I didn't care though. I prayed that I would feel the urge to push, and God answered me. I felt Julien descending and began to push. I pushed so hard that I almost passed out. I wanted him out NOW because his life depended on it. Finally he was born and when they put him on my chest, I cried out with joy.

Joy! It's something I haven't truly felt in awhile! It's been almost 2 weeks since he arrived (even though the date of this post says the 10th--it has taken me awhile to get this written out!). He is melting my heart. Breastfeeding has gone fairly well, besides the initial pain that comes with it. He has made it way easier on me than Josiah did. He has such a happy look on his face and doesn't cry too often. Not that crying is bad or anything, but this baby seems very peaceful. *knock on wood* Of course it IS only the second week, so we'll see how it goes.

Giving birth again definitely brought back many emotions and memories of Jonas. It's those little things that I remember. The smell of witch hazel pads will always remind me of birth. It has always made me feel sad, but I'm hoping I can now find peace in the memories of all three of my sons' births. I feel sad thinking that Jonas never got a chance at life besides the 9 months I carried him. But then I feel peaceful knowing that he was only making room for Julien's arrival. I see both Josiah and Jonas in Julien's face. He definitely has his own distinct features, though--different from the other two. He's beautiful. He is the perfect gift from God.

I will never be able to say that the hole in my heart has been filled. If Jonas were here, it'd be filled. That can never happen, though. But I can say that God has overflowed the rest of my heart with so much joy and love by bringing this baby here safely. I will always feel sad when I think of my baby boy who was too beautiful for Earth. His coming and going has shaped me into the person I was meant to be. But so has the births of Josiah and Julien. Everything falls into place eventually.

Welcome to our family, baby Julien Reese! We are now complete, and our empty arms are now filled. Just as Josiah lit up when he saw you, I know that Jonas was just as happy to become a big brother. You and Josiah are very lucky boys--you've got your own guardian angel up there.

Let's Try This Again

2010-11-02T21:21:00.005-06:00

This agonizing week is officially over at 8pm tomorrow night! I'm so ready. I've got a few nesting urges to clean tomorrow, but other than that, it's definitely time.

I told Zac today that I don't care about the fact that I will be up all night feeding Julien and that sleep-deprivation is right around the corner. Don't care about the poopy diapers. I don't care about the physical pain I'll be in after the birth. I don't care that I gained 40 lbs. on top of the 20 lbs. I wasn't able to lose after having Jonas. All I really care about is being able to hold a live baby in my arms. A pink baby screaming and crying and needing me!

I have been more paranoid the past few days than I have any other time during this pregnancy. I'm so scared. I constantly poke my little guy until he moves. He's probably irritated because I keep waking him up and won't let him sleep. I use my doppler every night just to be sure his heart is still beating. One more day. Just one more day, sweet baby!

My mind is a wandering mess lately. I can't focus on anything. I didn't vote because I don't know who any of the candidates are, which is unusual for me. If any of them could get my baby here safely, I'd vote for them. ;) When I look in the mirror, I can see how much I've aged over the past year and a half. It's sad, but that's what life and death does to you. Unfortunately, it happened earlier for me. I am confident that I will gain my youth back again.

Well, I will keep everyone updated! And I will share a picture of my rainbow baby as soon as I can. Thanks for keeping me and Julien in your prayers.

Also--I had to share these sculptures made by a woman on Etsy.com. They are very powerful and they make me cry every time I look at them. I'm definitely going to collect these someday.These can be found at http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMidnightOrange?page=1

Disappointed, But Still Okay

2010-10-27T21:10:00.002-06:00

Well I suppose an update is in order. Don't panic--it's nothing horrible! Most people already know this, but I feel like I should update this anyway. I had the amniocentesis this morning, fully prepared to learn that Julien's lungs are mature and that we could go ahead and induce tonight. Things didn't quite go as planned. We learned that his lungs are NOT fully matured, which is unusual for 37 going on 38 weeks. We were slightly shocked and very disappointed. We have EVERYTHING ready to go for baby's arrival. They scheduled two more NSTs (non stress tests) within the next week and have postponed the induction for next Wednesday evening. I was pretty upset. I am in a lot of physical pain due to Julien being so low and putting pressure on everything down there. I panic if I haven't felt him move in awhile, so I was very much looking forward to getting him here a week earlier than planned. Of course I don't want him to be in the NICU hooked up to machines because his lungs aren't ready, but I also don't want something worse to happen to him in my belly. It's so frustrating. All I could think about was how there was no way I could do this for another week! But I have to--no way around it. There's a reason, right? There's a better time and day for him to be born. God knows what He's doing. I'll try not to question His reasons.

I've got to mention how horribly awful the amnio was this morning! I was nervous, that's for sure. But I did get calmed down enough to get it over with. Unfortunately, that didn't matter. As soon as she got the needle through my belly and it began to poke the uterus, I hunched over and gagged! Every time she tried to get it through, I gagged and eventually started throwing up. Zac got to hold a bed pan for me to puke in, lucky him. They said I have a very sensitive uterus HAHA...they wanted to know if I wanted to stop, but if I stopped then I definitely wouldn't have been induced tonight. So I went to my happy place and they finally got through the uterus to get a sample. It was so uncomfortable and weird. My belly was so sore afterward, and they hooked me up to monitor the baby's heart and my contractions. It's still pretty sore and it hurts to stand up. So after all that, Julien won't be coming tomorrow anyway--of course! haha...So that's my amnio story. It was great fun.

Once again, I'll keep this updated. Thanks everyone for thinking of me and praying for me today--you'll get another chance soon enough!

Next week is Julien week!

2010-10-18T20:46:00.005-06:00

So, major update.

I had an ultrasound today, which revealed that Julien is doing well, is still a boy (I got to take home a great penis shot! lol), and apparently has lots of hair already! But it also revealed that the placenta is very large and "matured". They said it's a grade 3 placenta and has some calcification on it. So basically, it is almost like it is much older than Julien is. Like it's 40 weeks along and Julien is only 36 weeks. It's very strange--I've never heard of that until now. The problem with an "aged" placenta is that it can begin to no longer function. That's bad, because the placenta is pretty much what keeps the baby alive. If it begins to deteriorate, that means baby isn't getting the nutrients/oxygen he needs.

Soooo since the recommendation was made to this already terrified preggo girl to induce next week, when I am exactly 38 weeks along, I readily agreed. My doctor, who is considered one of the best, if not THE BEST high-risk doctor in Colorado, said they'd need to do an amniocentesis the morning before. It will show if Julien's lungs are fully developed, because if they aren't then we'll have to wait. But at 38 weeks, I'm thinking he'll be ready.

I am so afraid of the amnio! If you don't know what it is, it's a gigantically long needle that they will poke into my belly to extract some amniotic fluid. I've heard that it makes the uterus contract and CAN be painful, although some say it's not so bad. Either way, I'm scared. Please don't poke Julien! That's also a scary thought. They use ultrasound to do it, though...and like I said, they are very skilled doctors. Still.....I always swore I'd never get an amnio. Too risky, I always thought. Unnecessary...but seriously, what option do I have? No way in hell would I risk another stillbirth. I've got to just do what I need to in order to get him out here safe in my arms.

Anyone willing to pray that Julien decides to come early on his own? That'd be amazing....although, not typical with my pregnancies. Time to work on some natural induction methods and make last minute preparations for baby's arrival!
Love this picture. It's totally how I feel right now.

Watching Closely

2010-10-11T20:22:00.005-06:00

From now until I deliver, I'll be going into the doctor's office to have two non-stress tests per week. Basically, I get to sit in this huge comfy leather chair while they strap a fetal heart monitor and a contraction monitor onto my belly. There's a basket full of snacks and juice that I can pig out on, which makes the baby active so they can get a good view of his heartbeat. So far, I've been twice--one last week and one today. The next one is Thursday, and after that it's every Monday and Thursday in October. I actually enjoy going, because it's so calming listening to Julien's heart beat. It can take up to an hour depending on how active he is, but so far I've only had to sit for about 20 minutes because they have been able to get some great info very quickly on how he's doing. I don't enjoy driving downtown twice a week, but that's just because I'm a small town girl trying to make it in the city...haha that's a song, right?

So today I met a nurse who hasn't worked with me yet. She asked me about Jonas and when that happened. She told me how sorry she was, and that she also had a full-term stillbirth 31 years ago. She said she went on to have two healthy children after that. She said there's nothing worse than what we've gone through, and she understands everything I am going through right now in these last few weeks of my subsequent pregnancy. She said she just delivered a stillborn baby the other day at another hospital, and the girl just looked up at her and said, "I don't understand! I can't understand this..." Such a reminder of how I felt when I found out. I was the same way. Questions like, "Why me? Why so late in the game? This isn't happening...how did this happen...what did I do wrong?" I felt like I was in another world. This COULDN'T be my life! Oh that horrible disgusting pain that I only rarely take myself back to these days, because I literally feel it all over again. It's so easy for me to talk about my baby Jonas, but it is SO hard going back to that painful moment of finding out--even harder than the moment I gave birth to him.

She showed me the printout of his heart rate and explained what they look for. Each time he moves, the heart rate should go up just a little bit and then quickly come back down. Julien's heart rate was just like they want it, so that's definitely reassuring. She said that if they move and the heart rate stays the same or shoots down and that happens frequently, then the baby could be in trouble. There could be problems with the cord. She said that if our babies had been monitored like this, then perhaps something could have been done. The sad fact is, Jonas' heart rate WAS monitored for 30-45 min. once a week for about 8 weeks. It's standard practice in German hospitals even if you're not high-risk. It's so confusing to me--why didn't they catch anything? Did they just not know what to look for? That along with ultrasounds every week those last couple of months...what was the point? I know....frustrating questions that don't really mean anything right now. What happened, happened. I don't blame anyone. But who wouldn't think of these things?

Something else stuck out to me that the nurse said today. She said that her sub pregnancies just felt different. This pregnancy does feel different to me. When I was pregnant with Jonas, I really didn't buy much and like I said I didn't have a shower. We didn't take a tour of the hospital. It was an unplanned pregnancy, the result of Zac returning from his deployment. ;) I was terrified of having two boys who would be less than 2 years apart. Zac was scheduled to deploy again shortly after the birth, and I didn't know what I would do in Germany without my family there for support. Lots of worries, but I was still happy about it. Towards the end, I did have that very brief thought that something would go wrong. I remember where I was when I thought it. I was driving in a traffic circle on the base.

But with this pregnancy, even with all my fears, it has been so different. I have bought a lot of new stuff for Julien. The other day I was talking to Zac about it, and we both have a good feeling. We know that he is going to come home with us. I am constantly aware of his movements, but I wasn't with Jonas...I didn't believe that being "paranoid" about kicks would do me any good. This time, I KNOW the paranoia is a good thing. It's good to be concerned and to overreact if necessary. It's better to be safe than sorry. I've had a few instances where I couldn't remember when I felt him last. I poke at him and talk to him and drink water--eventually he starts moving. If I'm REALLY scared, I have that wonderful fetal doppler where I can actually hear his heartbeat myself. It's been great!

So other than the usual aches and pains of pregnancy (heartburn, knee pain, pelvic pain, back pain, insatiable thirst, always being hot, trouble getting comfortable at night and when I finally do having to pee 10 times a night, always being out of breath, stretch marks, weight gain, crazy emotions, big feet), I'm feeling pretty good! I'm trying to update this as often as possible since this week I'll be 36 weeks and I feel like this is a major event that is unfolding on my blog. I know lots of people are praying, and so I want to give regular updates. :)

Just for fun, a picture of me before life got TOO complicated. :) 2006, age 22
And Zac, around 2003
And this is us with Joss this summer. I was about 24 weeks pregnant.

Happy

2010-10-03T21:14:00.006-06:00

I'm 34 weeks, going on 35 weeks on Thursday! I have been feeling very optimistic lately. I'm getting more and more convinced that Julien will arrive here safely. The clock is ticking, and I've almost got everything ready to go for him. The diapers are washed and the crib is ready to go. Took a tour of the hospital, had a baby shower, packed the diaper bag and hospital bag, and have been organizing the apartment like crazy. Just a few things left to do!

The baby shower was great! Thanks Krista and Brianna! And thanks to all my friends/family who could make it and who gave such great gifts. It was really special. Oh and thanks for the ice cream cake, which added about 5 lbs. to my weight in a week. ;) My sister has some pictures from the shower, so once I get them I will share a few.

I started going to a prenatal chiropractor last week. She is Webster Technique certified. The WT is great for moving babies into the best position for labor, especially if they are breech. That isn't why I started going, but it's a bonus. I've been having some pelvic pain. Things are stretching pretty far and very easily down there. It hurts. It feels like all my pelvic bones are bruised and it's like I've been kicked down there by a horse or something--not cool! So she did a thermal scan of all my vertebrae, and she showed me a color-coded image of my spine and what was out of place. Red is bad, and of course my entire neck and shoulders were red. She told me I have way too much stress there and I need to loosen up-HAHA...I'd have to agree. :) But unfortunately virgin margaritas aren't doing it for me! So anyways, she's been working on all my bones and it's amazing! The WT makes the baby move a lot because she is lining things up in there that are off-kilter and creating more room for him. I LOVE all the movements--it's very reassuring.

The hospital tour really impressed me. There are DVD-VCR combos and flat screen tvs so I can finally watch my Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion VHS! lol...There are jacuzzi tubs in the bathrooms and I'm planning on spending a LOT of time in them. Room service too! I was so happy to hear that I do not have to be hooked up to a fetal monitor the entire time I'm in labor, which will allow me to get up and walk around. I've experienced two types of labor/delivery--the pitocin (induction)-IV-fetal monitor strapped to belly-epidural-lying in bed for 25 hours birth, and the free to walk around-labor in tub-16 hour labor-easy recovery birth. I'm REALLY hoping for the latter type of birth, only shorter since it will be my third. I really don't know how it will go, just as no woman can plan her birth experience. Obviously, I just want him here safely and I'll do anything to make that happen.

The postpartum rooms have beautiful mountain views, which I think will be so peaceful and so surreal for me after giving birth to my rainbow baby. I'll never forget the view we had the day that Jonas was born. It was a typical rainy German day. So cold and so dreary. The curtains opened up to the German hillsides--so green, but surrounded by fog and a gray, wet sky. It looked exactly like the way I felt. Some sun could have done me well, but there was none to be found for at least a month. Such dark days...it's still so difficult remembering what happened and how crushed I was inside.

I find myself begging God to keep Julien safe and to please, please let me get to take him home and keep him and feed him and bathe him and swaddle him...when I think about the worst, I think that no--there is absolutely no way I could go on anymore. This is it. This is my last pregnancy. I can't handle another one. So please God...protect my little boy.

I was in Sidney last weekend for the last time until I have Julien. I spent some time alone at Jonas' grave and decorated it with some Fall flowers and a scarecrow. I told him to watch over his little brother. I told him that he was not being replaced and that we'd always love him. And finally, I told him that the next time we visit, he'd get to meet Julien. :)Joss leaves a pine cone for Jonas each time he visits. :)

Josiah loves to visit his brother at the cemetery! But it's so hard catching him when it's time to leave!

30 Weeks

2010-09-08T21:09:00.005-06:00

Technically, almost 31 weeks as of tomorrow! 30 is a big one for me. I feel like the countdown is really on now. Since I will be induced at 39 weeks "just in case", I only have 8 weeks left. Julien will be here in two months. I've been nesting like crazy, buying little things here and there. My mom and dad ordered his crib, so that should be here soon. I've been getting lots of nursing supplies together, because I really struggled when I began breastfeeding Joss. I ended up being successful for 14 months, though. I am hoping this time will go smoother in the beginning, and now I will have some things that would have been useful during that trying time with Joss.

My cousin Krista and sister Brianna are planning a baby shower for me in a couple of weeks! I couldn't decide if I wanted/needed one since I've already prepared for two baby boys in the past 4 years, but they talked me into it! ;) I didn't have one for Jonas because we were in Germany and were never able to travel back home during that pregnancy. I always felt a little sad that he didn't get that celebration, which is why I kind of feel guilty that I get a shower for Josiah and Julien. And yet, how difficult would that have been to have had all these gifts for Jonas and not know what to do with them when he passed away? I have a few outfits that were given to me for him and some that I bought, and I still tear up when I see them. So it was definitely a good thing that I did not have a shower for him. I really don't think he minds, anyway. ;) THANK YOU Krista and Brianna for planning my shower! It really means a lot to me, as this pregnancy is definitely something to celebrate!

Okay I've got to get this off my chest. If one more person comments on how big I am already, I will freak out! I mean, it's just rude! Please, just leave the large and uncomfortable pregnant woman alone--you do not want to mess with her! LOL....oh, and while we're talking about comments, I'm also really getting tired of this question, "Is this your first baby?" by complete strangers. EVERYWHERE I go, seriously! Three times just this week. Of course, I'm sure this happens to every pregnant girl, but most don't have to struggle with their answer. I've been saying it's my third, because that's the truth. I know I always talk about this in my blog, but that's because it's the one thing that continuously comes up and that always makes me feel a slight twinge of pain in my heart. It's fine when that's the end of the conversation, but lately it has led to, "Oh, how old are your other two?" (They're 3 and 1 and a half.) "Oh so you're going to be SO busy!" (yep, sure.) "Boys or girls?" (Boys.) I know that people mean well--pregnancy is a great conversation starter. I don't wish harm upon them, don't worry. But honestly, I just really want to be left alone lately. I hate the attention I get this time. Probably because of the fear surrounding this pregnancy. While most people are so happy and glowing, I am a total downer and I know I'm not a joy to be around. This pregnancy has been so demanding both emotionally and physically. I wanted it to be very peaceful and stress-free, but it hasn't turned out that way. It has been the most stressful pregnancy of all three. And that scares me. There are many reasons why I am under a lot of stress, but I don't want to share them here. I wish I could hide under a blanket all day with no one around me and just enjoy complete silence. I need some sort of peace right now, but I don't feel that it will come to me anytime soon. I just want my little Julien to be free of my dangerous body and safe in my arms. Not yet though...wait at least 6 weeks, little guy, and then come meet your anxiously awaiting parents. :)

Thanks for listening...

B.

30 Weeks pregnant with Joss, Jonas, and Julien, respectively

Kick me all you want, baby!

2010-08-20T23:02:00.006-06:00

I'm 28 weeks now! As soon as I hit 30 weeks, I will feel relieved. I've said that with many weekly milestones..."as soon as I hit 13 weeks (chance of miscarriage goes down)...18 weeks (my big ultrasound)...24 weeks(the baby has a chance of survival if born now)...and now I'm thinking 30 weeks. Not sure why. Maybe because it feels so close to the end! At 28 weeks, I am getting so close. Just a few more months to go.

I started doing kick counts yesterday, which is exactly when I turned 28 weeks. I printed out a chart to keep track of them everyday. It's nerve-wracking. I never did them with Josiah or Jonas. I always felt that it was silly and that everything would be fine and that it would just make me paranoid. I read a story after Jonas was born about a woman whose baby survived only because she had been keeping track and noticed changes in the baby's movement. She immediately went to the hospital where an ultrasound discovered that the baby's heart rate was deteriorating and they needed to get him out NOW. That baby's life was saved just in time. So now I know that there is a good reason to keep track of baby's movement. I've thought many times that maybe Jonas would be here if I had kept track. But that's one of those thoughts that just can't be in my mind anymore. As overused as this phrase is, I believe it--there's a reason why Jonas came and went through our lives. Something that I've been thinking about as well is that Julien would not exist had Jonas not come and gone. That sounds so unfair for Jonas, though. Although I think he's okay with it. He's safe and sound in Heaven and I don't have to worry about his safety or health. There's also a reason why Julien is coming. He has his own purpose on Earth.

We now have Julien's car seat/stroller! Since this will be our last baby, I wanted to buy a new one. I buy almost everything used when it comes to baby stuff, so I thought I'd splurge and buy this new. My awesome parents are going to buy the crib soon. I've been putting that off the most. Maybe because Jonas' empty crib was the hardest thing to look at. Thankfully our awesome friends Brandee and Chris took it down for us while we were home for the funeral. But anyways, maybe I'm afraid to put it up? The other part of me (the crazy nesting preggo part of me) is telling me to get going so everything's ready! I've still got lots to do.

It's interesting how me being pregnant always leads people to ask how many kids I have or if this is my first pregnancy. Of course those are natural questions to ask, but wow I get so sick of the ongoing battle inside my head on what to say. Last week it happened at the dentist a few times. What I've been saying to people like this, whom I will most likely never see again, is that this is my second pregnancy/baby. I flat out lie. It's easier than dealing with more awkward questions-"How old are your other two?"-Which I've done and it felt so weird talking about Jonas like he has always been here with us--Or telling them that my second baby died, which either leaves them speechless or apologizing thus making me feel pitied. However, I'm hoping that someday I will reach a point in my life where I will say something like, "Two at home, and one in Heaven." When someone loses a parent, they don't deny that that parent ever existed. So why should I hide the fact that I have three sons?Josiah Liam, 2 months

Jonas Elliot 3.12.2009
Julien Reese, due 11.10.2010

25 Weeks!

2010-07-31T21:14:00.007-06:00

Time for an update. Julien kicks all the time--he's even kicking now! It's such a beautiful feeling, and I treasure it now more than I ever did with my past pregnancies. I'm getting so excited about the life growing in me. I know that these months are going to be my most peaceful moments. The last month will be extremely difficult, so I am relishing the second trimester. Here are some fun 25 weeker comparisons of my pregnancies with Josiah, Jonas, and Julien, respectively.
The past few weeks have been very difficult in other ways, though. My grandma passed away on July 17th, and the funeral was the following Wednesday in my hometown of Sidney, NE. My grandpa hadn't been doing well for over a month and was in the hospital about an hour away from there, so he couldn't even attend the funeral. It was so sad. Then, two days after we buried my grandma, my grandpa passed away. They died within a week of each other. My grandma had Alzheimer's for the past ten or so years, and it got progressively worse over the last couple of years. I barely recognized her the last time I saw her in the nursing home, which was in June. But now she is freed from that disease! My grandpa's funeral was exactly a week after hers, and it was a very difficult service. I think that because we were still grieving over my grandma, the pain of losing my grandpa was intensified. I hadn't been to a funeral since Jonas's, but I feet like I've been dealing with death for a year and a half already, so I already knew how to deal with this new grief/pain. We have many treasures that my grandpa left behind. He was an amazing woodworker and had given everyone pieces of his art. I treasure them even more, now. I am also very glad that I have a picture of my grandparents holding Josiah. Jonas is very lucky because he has his great-grandparents to play with him in Heaven. They loved children, so I'm sure they're enjoying that. :)

Julien Reese

2010-07-13T09:16:00.003-06:00

He has a name! We were going back and forth between two names for awhile, but finally settled on Julien. Picking a name is SO hard...seriously...I find it humorous that I had a girl's name picked out for almost 10 years and NO boy names in mind. Now we have all boys! :) Julien means "youthful" and Reese means "enthusiastic". We didn't pick his name based on the meaning, but I'm thinking he's going to be a happy little boy with those meanings. We didn't even know the meaning of Jonas until after he was born--I'm not sure why I never bothered to look! But it was a pleasant surprise in the midst of everything.

Since I'm well into the 2nd trimester, I'm constantly hungry and have started packing on the pounds. I wasn't gaining much at all up until a few weeks ago when my body decided I needed more poundage. I won't stress about it, as the previous pregnancies have taught me that I cannot control my weight and pounds=healthy weight baby. Plus, breastfeeding will do wonders for the extra weight I put on with Jonas and this baby. I didn't realize how quickly it makes you lose weight until I compared Josiah's birth, where I lost 30 lbs. in the first 2 weeks, and Jonas' birth--where I lost 10 lbs. in a month because I wasn't able to breastfeed. So, I'm looking forward to that experience again.
Julien moves all the time! It's a beautiful feeling. He's very active, and I'm so surprised how well I can feel him this early. At 21 weeks, Zac could feel him move from the outside. That is WAY earlier than last time! I love it.

I finally began preparing for Julien's arrival. I've been so hesitant. It's not that I didn't have faith, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. One of the most awful experiences was coming home after Jonas was born. That empty crib in a decorated nursery was unbearable. The drawers full of baby clothes that I had so nicely folded for him. Everything was in its place. Everything except my baby boy. He was supposed to be in the "nest" I prepared for him. I remember being angry and crying while taking apart the bassinet in our room. I shoved it in a closet in anger and collapsed in tears. There was so much that I had done in 9 months that had to be undone. Everyone who was awaiting news of Jonas' arrival had to be told the tragic story. My name had to be deleted from "due date clubs" on forums. When WIC called to see how the new baby was doing, I had to tell them what happened. So many awful horrible situations had to come my way! And I had to plan a funeral and bury my son and then leave him in Nebraska while I went back to Germany. This is why it's been so difficult for me to pull out all the baby clothes again and fold them into nice little piles for Julien. In my head, I have more than once asked, "Am I doing this in vain? Are all my preparations going to be for nothing again?" It's such a sad thought, so I try to clear my mind quickly when I think that way. I just know that I couldn't bear such pain again. As the weeks go by, I have more and more hope. Deep down, I know I will be taking my baby home with me this time. :)

Well that's all for now! Here's a belly pic of me at 22 weeks. :)

I'm Officially on Team...

2010-06-14T13:50:00.004-06:00

BLUE! Like I said in my announcement text his morning...So much for instincts! hahaha. I just laughed when the ultrasound tech told Josiah that he was going to have a little brother. She said exactly what was said when we found out Josiah was a boy--"That is DEFINITELY a boy!"

Am I disappointed? Nah. Surprised? YES! I was so sure this was a girl based on how different this pregnancy has been for me. I guess things just change with each subsequent pregnancy. We're super excited, of course. I was so sad when Josiah would no longer have a little brother to grow up with, and now that excitement is back. So what if I already put a ton of pink and purple cloth diapers on my amazon baby registry? I'll just have to change them all to blue and green. :)

So now I must say my goodbyes to the Juliana I have always pictured in my head, and welcome my new little boy into my life! I wasn't meant to have a daughter. Instead I have the wonderful opportunity to raise two boys who will know how to treat women and who will learn to be respectful and grateful for everything they're blessed with. It's going to be a fun adventure!

Brownies and a Flower for My Little Man

2010-06-13T15:26:00.007-06:00

This photo was taken by the organization "Say it With Flowers", which is very similar to the name in the sand organization. They do this as a gift to bereaved parents. I think it turned out beautiful--I love the white flowers!

I also submitted a recipe in the fall for a cookbook being put together by bereaved parents/relatives for the Miss Foundation, which is a grief forum that I have visited since I lost Jonas. It has helped me tremendously, and I thought it would be nice to have a recipe dedicated to him. It's a brownie recipe that I've made since I was little. My dedication says,

Our Thoughts of You Will Always Be Sweet
In memory of Jonas Elliot, born sleeping on March 12th, 2009. You were just too beautiful for Earth, our sweet little dove.

It's been a year and 3 three months since our little Jonas came. I can't believe it's already been that long. Zac and I just celebrated our 5th anniversary, and tomorrow we find out if we're having a boy or a girl! Definitely nervous as usual, but tomorrow's ultrasound will be an in-depth look at how our baby is doing so it will give me lots of reassurances. They'll be looking for all sorts of issues, and I expect none. I will always fear that earth-shattering silence instead of a heartbeat, but I am feeling very optimistic. The main reason is because I can now definitely feel some little kicks in there! It began a few days ago. I know I felt some little "bubbles" at about 14 weeks, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I haven't felt movement after that until now. It's very reassuring.

Also, I've been trying to focus on relaxation. I ordered this cd, called "Heartstrings: Visualizations for Pregnancy." So far, it's been wonderful. If I start to feel stressed or overwhelmed, I grab the ipod and listen to this. It's a mixture of instrumental music and affirmations. There's a woman who says things like, "My body is a safe haven for my baby," or "My baby is surrounded by peace and joy." Slightly cheesy, yes...BUT it works. It's what I need, and I'm so happy I bought it. The fears aren't going to go away, but things like this can help calm them.

Well, I'll be updating this tomorrow for sure after my appointment! Once again, please think of me and pray for me. :)

Rollercoaster

2010-06-08T13:15:00.005-06:00

I feel like I'm on one! Some days are so wonderful, but others are so difficult. This pregnancy is so scary. I feel that paranoia until each appointment I go to. It's like I live for the next appointment and I can't breathe in between. I am so scared that my baby is no longer alive, even though very deep down I know she'll be okay. I no longer possess the happy ignorance that most pregnant women have, unfortunately. I long to be ignorant again. This type of ignorance is a good one because it allows you to have a peaceful, worry-free pregnancy because stillbirths only happen to OTHER people. So, since it's already happened to me, you'd think I'd be off the hook, right? I'm hoping so. I'm praying every night and everyday. I pray that I'll go into labor 2-3 weeks early on my own because I hate being induced. But there is no way I'm allowing myself to be pregnant past 39 weeks, because that's around the time Jonas passed away. So if I have to be induced, I definitely will for peace of mind.

There is an organization called Tiny Heartbeats - www.tinyheartbeats.org - that rents out dopplers for free to pregnant women who have lost a previous pregnancy. You have to get a prescription from your doctor, and then they mail you the doppler. The purpose of it is mainly for peace of mind. I can listen to my baby's heartbeat just for comfort. I got the prescription at my last appointment, but I'm on a waiting list to get the doppler. Hopefully I can get it soon. It will especially be needed during the last couple of months.

Well, if you haven't entered a guess in my baby pool, you should do it soon! It's on the right hand side of this page. I find out next Monday (14th) if it's a boy or a girl. I'm hoping the baby cooperates so we can find out. I need to know if I'm on team pink or team blue. :) Oh, and at 17 weeks 3 days, baby is the size of an apple (that's for you, Brianna!).

Another Day for Remembering

2010-05-31T21:08:00.006-06:00

Memorial Day

Once again I am not in Sidney to be able to put flowers on Jonas' grave. I had to work today so it just wasn't possible. I did give him a couple of things when we were in Sidney last weekend, so here's a picture of the grave then. Please pardon the bird doo-doo...my dad always drives out to the cemetery with a bottle of water and keeps it clean, but when I took the picture he hadn't gone out there yet. My mom told me today that someone left a fresh calla lily for him. So sweet! Thank you to whomever did that. I love when others think about my baby boy.

In other news, I am 16 weeks pregnant now. I had my second prenatal appointment on May 19th (Josiah's birthday!). They did a very quick ultrasound just to hear the heartbeat so I got to see my little baby again! Still too early to tell the sex, though. Everything looked good. Zac and Josiah got to see the baby too. I'm doing excellent with my weight gain! The past two times I gained so much weight in the first trimester alone, and I haven't even come close to that yet and I'm in the second trimester. My next appointment is in exactly two weeks and that's when they will do the big important ultrasound where they look very closely at anything that could be wrong. It will be scary, but that's when I will find out if it's a boy or a girl so that's exciting! I'm tired of wondering! Still thinking it's a girl... ;)

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

Here's a little comparison of my pregnancies: (Unfortunately I didn't take a picture of myself at around 15 weeks while I was pregnant with Josiah)

15 Weeks Pregnant with Jonas

14 Weeks pregnant with #3

A Poem About Shoes

2010-05-25T21:28:00.001-06:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes,
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Hoping and Waiting

2010-05-11T20:59:00.003-06:00

That's pretty much my life these days--lots of hoping and waiting. I am hoping this baby stays put and stays alive, and I am waiting impatiently for each appointment where I can hear the heartbeat and also for the next 6 months to pass quickly. My next appointment is on Josiah's 3rd birthday--May 19th. Next week! It's not an ultrasound, but I'm assuming they will listen to the heartbeat with the fetal monitor. I am approximately 13 weeks and 3 days and my baby is the size of a lime, apparently. :) Most sources say that puts me in the second trimester, but some say I'm still in the first. I get a little pregnancy newsletter each week, and this week said that I'm out of the "high-risk zone"!! yay!! haha...that was slightly sarcastic because like I've said before, I'll never be out of the zone!

Lots of baby boys being born on facebook these days!! And I can honestly say that I am so happy for all of my friends! I couldn't say that honestly a year ago, because it was very difficult seeing babies born soon after Jonas. I felt horrible feelings that one usually wouldn't admit to, but I will because I'm not going to hide anything on here. I felt jealous that MY baby did not get to live (for what reason?) and I felt stripped of the joy that comes with sharing photos of new babies. (I felt stripped of EVERYTHING)... I had photos, that's true. But they're photos that make people cry with sadness and they're photos that people are too afraid to look at. A photo of a dead baby is simply morbid, right? Not at all! We cherish the photos we have of Jonas. Though he was pretty bruised up and swollen, he was so beautiful to US. And really that's all the photos are for. The reason I had his picture painted (THANK YOU KELLY KOZAK!!) was specifically so I could share my son with pride just like everyone else. I have come a very long way from those raw feelings of sadness and grief. Grief that is so new is so complex and the feelings that come with it are so confusing. I'm not sure what stage I'm in, but being able to finally be happy for other people is a weight lifted from my shoulders. Being pregnant myself has helped, but my happiness began before my rainbow baby.

Zac and I have been considering names! I've had a girl name picked out since I was in college--I've just been waiting on the girl! Juliana Rose, and also considering Juliana Lorie. Lorie is a middle name that has been passed down on my grandma's side of the family. The reason why we gave Josiah his name is because I wanted all J's since I grew up with 4 B's. So when we found out that Jonas was a boy, we had a heck of a time finding another J-name for a boy!! Sooo....will this be our Juliana? The entire reasoning behind the J's? haha....I'll find out on June 14th! As for boy names, we're considering Julien and Jack. No middle names yet. I do have friends whose sons are named Jack, so hopefully I'm not breaking any rules by using it too? haha...It's super cute, though. I really like Julien also, and if I can't have my Juliana then how about a Julien? ;)

Life!

2010-04-28T17:17:00.004-06:00

I saw that beating heart today that I've been yearning to see for so long! I was a nervous wreck, but my cousin kept me grounded. She probably doesn't know that, but she kept my mind off of things. For a minute I thought I would throw up right there in the waiting room before the ultrasound! Didn't happen, thankfully! Laying on the ultrasound table with goop being poured on my stomach brought back so many memories and emotions, though. I braced myself as I saw my little baby. I found the little beating heart and all was well. I shed a couple tears but mostly laughed because this baby was so squirmy! She had a beautiful heart rate of 180 bpm. Well now I'm afraid to say "she" because the doctors said with my history of boys it could definitely be a boy! Haha--But I seriously don't care--I was so excited last time to have two boys who could grow up together. So if it is another boy, I'd love it. :) And by the way, I'll find that out on June 7th! They ran a LOT of tests today since it is a high-risk pregnancy medical group. I'm not worried at all about that stuff. They said the baby looked great right now and they have no concerns about downs syndrome or anything. Well that's it for now. THANK YOU so much to everyone who prayed for me and gave me encouragement! I feel so much better today and have a renewed sense of hope.

Tomorrow's the Big Day!

2010-04-27T14:00:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is my first prenatal appointment. I am 11 weeks and will be 12 weeks on Saturday. You have no idea how scared I am! I think about it all the time and I think how surprised and happy I will be to see a heartbeat. What if there isn't one, though? It's a possibility. I don't THINK it will happen to me, but I still worry. Better now than on my due date, I figure. No signs of miscarriage so far, so I think all is well. I have had many many dreams about miscarrying this baby. I wake up so relieved that it was just a dream! As you can tell, I am very paranoid and very scared. I have so much longer to go, too! God please help me get through this! Pregnancy is supposed to be such a joyous time, but life has tainted me so now my pregnancy is full of fear and "what if"...There is no "safe point" for me in my pregnancy. The books always say that if you get past the first trimester, then miscarriage probably won't happen. Then they say that if you get past 24 weeks and your baby is born early, then there's a great chance she can survive because of medical technology. And then of course once you get into the third trimester...nothing can possibly go wrong except for maybe a premature baby but again the chances of survival are so great at that point. Every book failed to mention how my baby could pass away inside me a week before he was due. I was never warned and I never took kick counts seriously.

So needless to say, I'm so scared! I think that once I see a heartbeat, many worries will wash away. I will be so happy! I will most likely cry. I will probably throw up all morning because of how nervous I will be. My cousin is coming with me and I am SO thankful! I need a lot of support. I will keep you all updated. Please pray for me and little baby Phillips.

A New Journey

2010-04-14T14:01:00.004-06:00

Most of you know that I'm pregnant with our third baby. She is due around November 13th. I say "she" because after two boys, it's gotta be a girl! :) Of course I thought Jonas would be a girl and I was wrong, so who knows! I should find out in June.

I would like to start writing about this pregnancy journey because it is already so unlike my last 2 pregnancies. So much fear, paranoia, sadness, happiness, and excitement. Such a mix of emotions. Instead of creating another blog, I'm going to merge both my grief journey and my subsequent pregnancy journey onto this blog. The loss of my 2nd pregnancy has so much to do with this rainbow pregnancy.

"Rainbow Baby": A baby born after the loss of another baby.

It might be a cheesy term, but it's also very fitting. Rainbows are a symbol of God's promises. The first rainbow appeared after the flood that destroyed the entire world except for those faithful to God. I definitely feel like I've been swept away in a flood over the past year. Thankfully, I did not drown. I'm really hoping that this rainbow is meant for me this time.

I got in touch with the best high-risk pregnancy doctors in Colorado. They are a group called Obstetrix/Pediatrix. They work with several hospitals here in Denver, but they recommended that I be seen at St. Lukes/Presbyterian hospital near downtown. I wasn't even sure if I'm considered high-risk or not, so they had to determine that. They decided that they would see me, which was an exception because usually you have to be referred there by your doctor. Since I don't even have a doctor and all this happened in Germany, they made the exception. I'm not sure what they are going to do differently from a normal pregnancy. In Germany, they did an ultrasound at every appointment and did extensive fetal-heart monitoring towards the end (which did no good). They don't usually do that here in America with normal pregnancies. My first appointment isn't until April 28th. I will be almost 12 weeks then.

So you can imagine how difficult it has been not being able to see my baby on an ultrasound or hear her heartbeat. The wait has been unbearable. I know I'm pregnant (5 positive home tests and a blood test say so), but the pessimistic side of me keeps preparing me for the worst. I already know how devastating it is to lay down for an ultrasound and hear no heartbeat. That would be nothing new. I don't know what it's like to have a miscarriage. I have been blessed to never have experienced that. They are more common than late-term stillbirths. I am so terrified, though. I'm afraid that I'll find blood one of these days, and every time I get indigestion I fear that maybe it's cramps and it's ending. My last two pregnancies weren't like this. Of course I worried slightly about miscarriage--every woman does. But now it's like I'm waiting for it. It's awful. I need to change my way of thinking. But I'm also afraid to get my hopes up. I'm trying to just relax and do things for myself--like the pedicure I have lined up (never had one!), facial, etc. I force myself to look at strollers and car seats and cribs. Most of all, I pray. If you pray, PLEASE mention me! Thanks for listening.

Brittney

~~Just wanted to share a couple photos of us in Texas visiting Zac's family~~

This is Zac and me at Joe T. Garcias, which is a historic Mexican restaurant frequented by celebrities in old downtown Fort Worth.

Joss and me at the park. I'm about 6 or 7 weeks preggo here.

Happy Birthday!

2010-04-08T20:30:00.010-06:00

Here's some pictures of Jonas' first birthday in my hometown of Sidney, Nebraska where he is buried. I apologize for taking so long to get these up! Lots of stuff going on in our lives, as usual. It was a very peaceful day, surprisingly! It was so windy, though. We did a balloon release with my parents at the cemetery. We each let go of a balloon, but they all got stuck in the pine trees or popped!! It was pretty funny. I assume that was Jonas' sense of humor at work there since I'm sure he takes after his daddy and brother. :) However, my mom let go of hers last and it was the only one that made it! It was the yellow one, so that must be his favorite color. We were happy that he at least got one balloon in Heaven. :)

So anyway, onto the pictures!

#12 Way Too Beautiful for Earth

2010-03-10T14:29:00.005-07:00

Happy first birthday, baby boy! I wish you were here to celebrate your birthday, but don't worry--we'll eat some cupcakes in your memory and we'll be sending you up some balloons soon. You've got lots of gifts at the cemetery--you are very loved by all of your family! Mommy is not as sad as she thought she'd be today. She shed a few tears talking to you at the cemetery, but overall she knows that you are happy and safe with Jesus.

I have the best gift to give you for your birthday. Are you ready? You're going to be a big brother in November! ;)

~I hope you enjoyed your 12 days of photos. I saved the best for last. I am finally ready to share your real photo with the world.~ "Some people dream of angels. We held one in our arms."

#11 The Significance of Doves

2010-03-10T14:09:00.001-07:00

My very talented MIL made all the baby announcements for Jonas while we were awaiting his arrival. I chose birds as the theme because I love the way they look as decor. Little did I know that birds, specifically doves, would come to represent Jonas after he passed away. It was mentioned in the song we had played during the funeral--didn't even know until it was being played at the funeral. The line was "like a dove caught in a storm". It took my breath away as I sat there listening to it. I had found a Bible verse that I printed out and attached to seed packets to pass out. I again was curious, so I looked at the verse (which I found on a random website). It mentioned "the turtledove"...Amazing! The thing that put me over the edge was when I became curious about the meaning of the name Jonas. I looked it up and couldn't believe my eyes. Jonas means "dove". Not sure why I never looked it up before. So many other doves have crossed our paths. The military moved us to Denver on a humanitarian reassignment, which was such a blessing. The Colorado state flower is the Columbine, which just so happens to mean "dove" in Latin. When we were house-hunting in Denver, we were looking at a house and were in the backyard when the owner said, "Look on the roof--there's a dove who lives there!" Sure enough, there was a dove sitting in its nest staring at us...so of course we had to get that one! :) On the day of my job interview, there were doves flying around the parking lot before I went in. Yes, it may just be a coincidence, but I prefer to believe that God gives us signs of our loved ones as a peaceful reminder that He does exist. So obviously, I'm partial to doves. And yes, we did mail out the announcements anyway. We edited the inside to say..."into God's embrace" along with a poem my MIL wrote. I remember one of the first things I thought of, silly enough, was how hard she had worked on these announcements and how we wouldn't be able to use them. I'm so glad we did, though.

#10 Footprints

2010-03-10T13:59:00.006-07:00

This was given to us by the German midwives after Jonas was born. They bathed him, dressed him, and got his hand and footprints. The poem meant so much to us that we had the last line put on his grave stone. I also named this blog after it. "Too Beautiful for Earth"

#9 So Close

2010-03-09T21:28:00.003-07:00

This is you, me, and your brother when we were about 35 weeks pregnant. It's hard for me to look at my face in my pregnant photos. If only I knew what was about to happen in my life. How quickly my spirit could go from joyful to crushed with one sentence. I still like this picture, though. It was the last photo taken of us when you were in my belly. :)

#8 Your Room

2010-03-08T21:57:00.003-07:00

This is the only picture I have of what was going to be your room. We had already taken most things down when this picture was taken. But it was months before I could take all your neatly folded clothes out of those drawers. I went into your room and just cried many many times. It was so sad...I've never felt such pain before. Just want you to know that I was so prepared for you...so ready for you to enter our lives. But I didn't realize that you had already become a part of our lives, and the footprint you left behind has impacted us greatly.

#7 German Summer

2010-03-07T20:40:00.002-07:00

This was the view from our apartment window when I found out I was pregnant with you. We heard this wind chime everyday that summer. The big tree outside was so beautiful. Those peaceful days always make me think of you.

#6 Daddy

2010-03-06T23:33:00.004-07:00

Here's daddy on Mother's Day, two months after you were born. His grief is so different from mine but just as deep. He thinks of you often and tears up easily when he remembers your beautiful face. You look so much like him and your brother. You'll always have a special place in your daddy's heart.

#5 Joy! 25 Weeks

2010-03-05T22:23:00.002-07:00

#4 Bought and then Sold

2010-03-04T21:55:00.003-07:00

Here is the double stroller we bought just for you and your brother since you were only 22 months apart. We only had it a short time, as it became too difficult for mommy to look at sitting in the garage. We hope that there will be another double stroller in our lives one day. At least you have streets of gold to take walks on!

#3 You'll Always Have a Big Brother

2010-03-03T17:52:00.005-07:00

Daddy just got done taking a belly photo of you and me, and your big brother wanted a look!

He doesn't quite understand what a little brother is right now, but we show him your photo a lot and he is learning to say "Jonas". He will have a unique challenge being a child with a little brother who lives in Heaven, but it will make him strong and wise.
Josiah Liam
August 2008

#2 How I Felt About Being Newly Pregnant with You

2010-03-02T14:41:00.003-07:00

P.S. Be sure and have a grand party up there for me in honor of my 27th birthday today! :)

12 Days of You-photo #1

2010-03-01T21:35:00.003-07:00

In honor of Jonas' upcoming first birthday, I'm going to post 12 days of photos-one photo a day leading up to his birthday that reminds me of him, our memories, or just a photo that I want to give him. So here's my first memory of you, Jonas...

How Far I've Come

2010-02-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

This is the only picture I have of me on the day of Jonas' funeral. It's strange to look at because I am smiling, but that is not even close to what I felt like doing. The picture was taken right after I had gotten dressed and ready for the funeral. My sister Brianna wanted a picture, so I agreed. When I look at it, I see my swollen face. Swollen because I had just given birth to a baby a week before. My body was trying to get rid of all the water I had retained. I could barely smile because of it. I also see my breasts engorged with milk. I see my face not revealing the pain of engorgement--breasts producing milk for a baby that was no longer there. My body had no idea that Jonas had died. My 12 hour plane ride to the states included ice packs stuffed into my bra to dry up my milk. I also see a belly that still looked pregnant. A body that wouldn't fit into any of my clothes except maternity clothes--which made me look more pregnant. Mostly I see a spirit that was crushed beyond imagination. A 26-year old girl who was about to sit through her infant son's funeral. I see a changed girl. A girl who had experienced death. A girl who didn't deserve this. A girl who would always have "another son"--another child who many people would never know about and many others would forget about.

And here I am today.

This is another picture of my sister and me, taken last weekend. My face is no longer swollen, although my belly is still slightly preggo-looking. Ah well. In this picture I see a girl who has gone through many stages of grief. A girl who is about to experience her 2nd son's first birthday, or angelday. A girl who is 15 lbs. lighter. A girl who is so happy to be around her family and friends. I see someone who is terrified of her next pregnancy. Someone who only wanted to have two children, but now must endure a third pregnancy. Someone who has finally finished paying funeral expenses. I see a girl who struggles a lot, but also one who is stronger than ever. Mostly, I see a girl who has hope.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T15:22:00.001-07:00

Happy Valentine's Day, little boy! You would be 11 months old now--almost walking! I can't believe how quickly this past year has gone. In less than a month, you will be a year old. I brought you some Vday flowers last weekend. Grandma and I took all the Christmas decorations off in preparation for spring-time. I can't wait for the green grass to grow around you again! We all love you very much, little cupid. We'll be back to visit you on your birthday.

love,
mommy

Grief and Art

2010-01-29T21:14:00.001-07:00

I think this is a wonderful idea:

http://stilllife365.blogspot.com/

A New Day

2010-01-10T11:37:00.001-07:00

The new year is going to bring new beginnings! I am looking forward to what 2010 will bring. Several of my friends are pregnant with little boys, and I am excited for the joy they will be experiencing soon! I love little boys, but I'm a bit biased since I've had two of them. When I was pregnant with Josiah, all my friends had little girls around that same time. And now that my friends are pregnant with boys, I'm wondering if maybe that means that my next pregnancy will bring me a little girl. Just a thought. Zac and I would like to get pregnant sometime this year, but I have a lot of growth and healing that I need to do before that happens. Jonas' first birthday is coming up quickly--I'm very nervous about the entire month of March. Memories can be so powerful, and I will be plagued by them--even the celebration of my own birthday on March 2nd will be difficult because I will remember my birthday last year and how excited I was feeling about the upcoming birth of Jonas. The 11th will be difficult because that's the day I found out that my little boy was no longer alive. I'm hoping that the 12th will be a peaceful day, though. One where I can feel relief that Jonas is playing joyfully in Heaven instead of enduring this sometimes cruel world. I don't even remember what day his funeral was on. How sad is that? That's how much of a blur my life was right after I gave birth. I know I could dig through things and find the funeral program which has the date on it. But I'd rather not. I am going to take time off from work and spend that time in Sidney with my parents so that I can visit his grave on his birthday. Such difficult emotions I will be feeling, but sometimes I have to allow such sadness to overcome me--they're real, raw feelings that I am meant to have.

Here's to healing and joy in 2010!

December...

2009-12-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

...is such a difficult month for mourners. The cold does not do much to warm the heart. The sunshine is great, though--it's so good to be back in America where the sun shines even when it's cold! I have missed the sun, which is evident by my ghostly complexion! Plus, it's Christmas time, and there will always be someone missing.

This past weekend, which happened to be Jonas' 9-month angelday, we spent in Sidney visiting my family. I wanted to decorate Jonas' grave all Christmas-y before the 25th so it was a great weekend to do it. My mom and I twisted some pine branches together and made a nice little bouquet. Zac, my dad, and I took it out to the cemetery. We saw some deer tracks all around the grave and the cemetery--it was beautiful!

Later that night we attended the worldwide annual candle-lighting ceremony in honor of children who have died. The painting of Jonas was shown on the big slide show along with many other children who have died in Sidney, dating back to the 1950's. We also went up to the front and set a candle down and received a rose when his name was called. It was very sad looking at all those who have passed away, especially since many of them were in my graduating class. It's so weird that they're not here anymore. Zac and I always talk about how much worse things could have been with Jonas. Some people might think differently, but we are very glad that he passed away before he was born as opposed to dying from SIDS or anytime after birth. I think that would have been much more difficult.

Diagnosis

2009-12-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a very long journey, but I finally have a diagnosis that explains everything I am feeling. Last week I had several blood tests done and this week I was informed by my doctor that I have hypothyroidism. I never thought I'd be so happy to have this "disease"! But for me it means that I have some answers and now I can find solutions. I literally spend hours researching everything in my life. I love being well-informed about everything that has to do with me and my family, and a major part of that is health. I honestly do not trust doctors at all, and the only thing about them that I am thankful for is surgery and other life-saving interventions. The reason why I do not trust them is because it seems like they really truly do not know what they're talking about most of the time. I can find out for myself what's wrong with me and then find out which medications would suit me best and even the dosage I need. All from reading a freakin' book and other publications online. Craziness. That's how I discovered that just MAYBE I had a thyroid problem.

Last week I went to a doctor with prepared notes in hand. I told him what tests I wanted done, all my symptoms, and which medications I wanted and which I did NOT want. I knew exactly what he would say to each of those, so I also had responses prepared. It is quite humorous to me that a book can foresee what a doctor will tell you, and many times the doctors are wrong. For example, it is essential to get all 5 thyroid tests--not just the TSH. However, doctors will fight you over that. You have to stand your ground, because the accuracy of the TSH test is not up to par. And if you do have a thyroid problem, they will put you on a medication (usually synthroid) that is not the most optimal medication. Most people do even better on T4 AND T3 medication. Synthroid is T4 only. Just a little tidbit of info that is extremely boring to everyone but me. ;)

The doctor refused to test my reproductive hormones, because he said that if they were off-balance then I would not be ovulating. That's just simply not true. A little research can tell you that. I didn't fight that one, because I felt that the thyroid thing was more of a possibility.

I also wanted my cortisol levels tested because of the amount of stress I've been under this year. He told me that if they were messed up, then I'd be so sick I'd be in the hospital. Also NOT true. Adrenal glands will continue to function at very low levels just to get you by, but you are very unmotivated in every area of your life.

I was very emotional that day, and of course I had to tell him about Jonas so I sat there and sobbed in front of this dude I'd never met. The look in his eyes is hard to forget. It was such a look of pity. He basically told me that what I REALLY needed was to go to therapy because it had been 9 months and obviously I was still struggling. What? It's ONLY been 9 months. Silly dude. It's called grief and it will never go away, but it will settle down some. The symptoms I have are different. I've felt so different for so long now. Like something's wrong. I'm not the same person, and I don't really laugh anymore. When I do, it's because I've been drinking or it's being forced to some extent. I have lots of other symptoms, but some are a little too personal. I'm just not who I used to be. I do not cry over Jonas very much. Once in awhile, I do, but hardly ever these days. I cry because I am simply unhappy, but I can't figure out why. I see so much good in my life, but I still cry. It's as if there's a dark cloud hovering around me and all I want is to see that happy stuff clearly-- I know it's there!

So because I was so emotional and guys get scared of crying girls, the doctor said he would do all those tests I requested except the sex hormones. woohoo! When my tests came back, the guy on the phone said everything was fine for the most part (what does that mean?) except the thyroid. I thought, "HA! I WAS RIGHT!" It's not me...I am truly sick. I'm not crazy and uptight and frigid...I'm just sick. I have looked into the adrenal glands some more, because many times thyroid goes hand in hand with adrenal glands (stress hormones). I fit the description perfectly. There is even a test you can do at home to determine if one of the adrenal hormones is low--go into a dark room with a mirror and a flashlight. Shine the light on your eye from the side of your head. The pupil should stay small, but if something's wrong then the pupil will go from small to large to small--as if it is struggling to stay small. So I did this...and guess what? My adrenal glands are worn out and I am sick again. So the next step? Well, since I won't have insurance anymore as of next week because Zac is separating from the military, I am going OTC (over the counter) and ordering from a highly recommended company (don't worry, I researched it haha) called Nutri-meds. I am very excited to begin the medication and see if my life transforms. Please wish me the best on my new medication journey! And if you're struggling with moods of any kind, please read this book. It may have saved my life in many ways, as it was what made me think, "MAYBE my thyroid is screwed up."

Saddish

2009-11-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

Today is just one of those awful days. Everything makes me want to cry. People say the wrong thing to me and that's it--my entire day is ruined. Right now I am struggling with my own diagnosis. Do I have postpartum depression? Are my hormones screwed up? Maybe it's my adrenal glands. Is it just plain old grief? OCD? Anxiety? Regular depression? Or is it because I have to work tonight? haha...I don't think it's PPD because it's been 8 months. Who knows. I'm about to start taking a bunch of supplements and let's hope that helps.

I'll leave you with something happy.

Josiah and me
2007

Answers

2009-11-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

It's very difficult accepting that there was no cause of death. No KNOWN cause. Believe me, I've gone over every possible cause in my head. Was it my awful diet? All that junk food full of artificial coloring and all sorts of fake toxic ingredients...But I ate that way with Josiah too, and he made it. Maybe it was because I tended to wake up in the morning on my back--and all the books say you have to sleep on your side, which I did, but I always ended up on my back in the mornings. Maybe it was the rose hips supplements I started taking to "naturally" induce labor so Jonas would come when my mother-in-law was staying with us in Germany. But lots of hippie preggo women take those and their babies are fine. Maybe it was all the ultrasounds the Germans did--one at every single appointment! Maybe it was the doctor's fault. Just two days before he passed away, approximately, I was given a strep B test (similar to a pap smear). Maybe he hurt my baby. Maybe it's because I was so busy with Josiah that I didn't really talk to Jonas...I didn't pray for him as often as I did for Joss...

NO NO NO. It was nothing I did.

I recently heard about a doctor whose main purpose in life is researching stillbirth and umbilical cord accidents. He's pretty amazing. He is one of the only doctors who is actually TRYING to prevent late-term stillbirths. He believes most "unknown cause" deaths are due to cord-accidents. There are several types of cord accidents. It is not something that happens just like that. It is something that is gradual. Because of this, it CAN be caught if a doctor knows what to look for. There are signs in the ultrasound of the umbilical cord, and there are signs in the heartbeat. Most doctors are afraid of scaring their pregnant patients, so many do not mention kick counts. And most very pregnant women do not want to hear the word "stillbirth". I didn't. But I learned the terrible, awful way that knowledge is so much better than ignorance. Women need to be more educated! It can happen to anyone, even if you'd had a perfectly healthy previous pregnancy.

So I called this guy. His name is Dr. Jason Collins of the Pregnancy Institute. He wants to hear from anyone who has experienced what I have. He asked about my story, and I told him. I told him how I WAS concerned about lack of movement, and how I researched it online and saw "decreased movement is normal in the last few weeks of pregnancy." And how I felt relieved at that. I thought I was just paranoid. He was so upset that so many women are finding that statement about decreased movement online. He said it's just not true. I emailed him all the ultrasounds I have of Jonas. He emailed me back right away and pointed out the umbilical cord in one photo. He told me how it showed "cord looping" and in his opinion, that was most likely the cause. That ultrasound was around 20 weeks, I believe.

So that was kind of a blow to my heart. It was so easily detected by him, but wasn't detected at all by my doctor, who did about 10 ultrasounds on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming my doctor at all. He was a very nice guy. Jonas' heartbeat was monitored for 30 min. at 4 prenatal appointments--my last 2 months of pregnancy. His heartbeat would go down, and then way up, and then stay steady. This happened a lot, and the midwives would make me drink a ton of water. I hated it. They were never concerned, just made me drink water to get the heartbeat normal. At every appointment. So was that not normal? Perhaps it could have been detected early on, and I could have been induced.

I won't get into the should-a would-a stuff. Things happen in life for a reason. And like I've said before, there is a completely new side of me now. I trust that God will use it for good.

So The Pregnancy Institute (www.preginst.com) has a program where you can set up a fetal monitor at home. You record the heartbeat for 30 min. each night during the last 2 months. The results are sent to Dr. Collins' blackberry and he knows what red flags to look for. I am very interested in this for my next pregnancy. The downside? It costs $2000 for the equipment. Perhaps when the time comes...we'll see.

Here is the ultrasound of Jonas. Note the umbilical cord and how it is twisted. It's the long thing that runs across where his mouth is. Please don't be sad. I'm trying to educate, here. :)

For more information, go to www.stillnomore.org

New Job, Clean Slate

2009-10-26T21:34:00.000-06:00

Tonight was my 2nd day at my new job. I haven't worked in over 4 years...well, worked a paying job anyway. It's very strange getting to know my coworkers. We talk about kids, where we're from, likes and dislikes, etc....all the normal things people talk about with acquaintances. Except that I have a secret. In a way it's nice not being known as the girl whose baby died. It's nice being a normal girl with a husband and a 2-year old...a seemingly happy normal person who isn't grieving. Of course that's not who I am, but it's relaxing to pretend.

Eventually, my secret will probably come out. I'm not sure how. But things like this always do come out unless you flat-out lie. Questions like--did you have a natural birth? (yes women do talk about this) My answer, "With my first son, I had pain meds and was induced, but with my 2nd son it was natural." Wait...2nd son? oops...there goes my secret. I just hope that when it does, my coworkers aren't super weird around me.

To Write Their Names in the Sand

2009-10-23T18:44:00.000-06:00

I've been so excited to share this photograph! When Jonas passed away in March, I stumbled upon this organization called "To Write Their Names in the Sand". The woman who started this also lost her baby. She and her family live in Australia near a beautiful beach with beautiful sunsets. She invites everyone who has lost a child to submit their name along with a memorial, and she writes the name in the sand and photographs it. The website always takes my breath away...so peaceful and so wonderful for grieving parents.

Here is the direct link to his memorial on her website: http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/09/jonas-elliot-phillips.html

It has been difficult for me to get Jonas' name submitted, because they can be overwhelmed by the amount of names submitted. It took me 6 months to get his name submitted! But the wait was totally worth it.

A Bit Tainted

2009-10-22T12:53:00.000-06:00

It's true that I am a changed person. The day I held my lifeless baby in my arms was the day when I became somewhat of a different person. It's only natural. It's not possible for someone to be unchanged after experiencing a stillbirth. How can they? When you're pregnant, your baby is a part of you. Not only the flesh and blood, but the heart and soul too. The beauty of birth is bringing that life into the world. When your baby dies, it's like that part of your heart and soul dies as well. I believe God is the only one who can fully regenerate that portion of your heart, if you let Him. I like to think that I've let Him, because I feel like I'm doing very well most of the time. There are certain parts of me that are hardened, though. It's in the questions I ask.

"Why do women who put their baby at risk by drinking and smoking go on to have a perfectly healthy, living baby? Why did this happen to me, when I was so careful?" Not that I think ANYONE deserves pain like this. I don't.

"Why did he have to die in my womb a week before his due date? Would it have been any easier if I had miscarried in the beginning?" Losing a life is losing a life, no matter how small. I just think I had longer to become attached.

"Was there a reason he died so late in the pregnancy?" I had to bury my son and I'm only 26. Funerals suck. I planned my son's funeral the entire week after giving birth. If you've given birth, you know what postpartum healing is like. Yet I am glad that I have his grave to visit whenever I go to Sidney. It's healing for me.

"Why couldn't my body have realized my baby had passed?" Instead, I had to wait a week to find out, while enduring braxton hicks contractions. Instead, after I gave birth, my milk came in which is very painful. I had to get on a 10-hour flight with a sick 2-year old and ice packs stuffed in my bra to help with the pain of drying the milk. SUCKED. It was such a sad feeling...milk for a baby who wasn't there.

"Why do I still have a postpartum body?" With Josiah, I had a great advantage because I breastfed him, which burns tons of calories and helps your body get back to normal quicker. After I had Jonas, the weight seemed stuck. I did lose 13 lbs. which have managed to stay off, but it really sucks having 20 lbs. of baby weight and no baby to show for it. Not only the weight, but the stretch marks as well, which will eventually fade with time.

"Why don't women know more about the possibility of stillbirth?" I didn't think this could ever happen to me. I'm a very healthy young woman. They say if the pregnancy lasts past 24 weeks, then if the baby is premature it is possible for it to live because of medical technology. I thought I was long past the safe point. I didn't realize that my baby COULD pass away...for no reason at all...no medical explanation. Doctors don't tell pregnant women these things because they don't want to scare them. I wish I would have known. Because then I wouldn't be tortured by thoughts like, "If only I had done kick counts, then maybe I would have noticed decreased movement, gone to the doctor right away, and Jonas would be here today."

Such dark thoughts these are. That last thought is the darkest of all my thoughts. That maybe I could have saved him. I did notice decreased movement, actually. I researched it online and found several stillbirth websites and then an article that said, "decreased movement in the last few weeks is normal" and it was that line that put me at ease and made me think I was just paranoid. Nope, it was my mother's instincts kicking in. Women need to know that there is no such thing as being too paranoid at the end. And yes apparently kick counts are super important. *sigh*

I feel more anger these days. I don't have patience for selfish people. I hold grudges. It's hard to be happy for people. Perhaps I have become a bit selfish myself. I am unable to comfort anyone else who gets too emotional about what happened to Jonas, because it is hard enough to allow myself to heal. But I do appreciate those who are willing to talk about Jonas to me, because I refuse to "sweep it under the rug" and pretend like I don't have two sons. I don't usually cry when I talk about what happened anymore, so maybe that means that I am coming along well. :)

Thanks for letting me share the hardened parts of myself.

More Memorials

2009-10-19T15:02:00.000-06:00

I try to keep Jonas' memory alive in any way I can, so I wanted to share a few examples of some things I've done. These are mostly things that other grieving women have offered to do for anyone. I always jump at the chance to share Jonas' name in these ways.

Here is his rock in a woman's rock garden for babies and children:Here is a picture of the rock garden all lit up, along with a balloon release with all the babies' names written on them:
The next memorial is a lantern release that a woman offered to do. She wrote all the babies' names on the lanterns--112 names in all! You can see Jonas' name here:And last, Jonas' name was included in a list of angels in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, which was October 15th. She also lit a candle for him. His name is in the first column towards the middle, written in dark ink. http://2feetonearth1inthestars.wordpress.com/
One of these days, I'd love to do something similar for anyone who has had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or who has lost a child in any way. I'm thinking that I'll do something for Jonas' first birthday in March. I'm not sure why, but these little things really do help me heal. :)

Memorials

2009-10-08T14:20:00.000-06:00

The wonderful members of my family on the Johnson side all gave money towards a plaque in Jonas' memory at the Angel of Hope memorial in Sidney. I visited Sidney last weekend where I was able to see it for the first time. I think it's amazing! It's nestled in with many other babies/children/loved ones' plaques. The little garden itself is very peaceful. I think it's a great place to go remember Jonas if it's too difficult for some to visit his grave.

So, thank you to all of my family who helped purchase this plaque!

"Oh you had a baby?! How old?"

2009-09-25T09:43:00.000-06:00

So far, this dreaded question has only come up twice that I can recall. The first time was when I was at the dentist about a month ago. I had to fill out the health questionnaire before the appointment, and one of the questions was "Have you been under the care of a physician in the past year?" To which I replied, "yes". Then I didn't know if I should put "pregnancy" after that or leave it blank. If I put pregnancy, then I know the questions will come up....but then again if I leave it blank then they'll ask why and then I'll have to say pregnancy and then the questions will come...Of course I could always put "pregnancy-stillbirth". But that is automatically awkward. I ended up leaving it blank.

Sure enough, the nurse comes in and asks me about the form. She asked why I was under the care of a physician. I winced, and said pregnancy. Then my heart started beating out of my chest as she asked, "Oh you had a baby?! "Yes." "Boy or girl?" "Boy." At this point I'm hoping she'll just stop with the questions, but no. "How old?" I didn't say anything for a second, because I wasn't quite sure what to say. So I just said matter-of-factly, "It was a stillbirth." She said absolutely NOTHING! Not even, "Oh I'm so sorry!" Finally she came around from behind me and asked while she was working, "So you had a miscarriage, or what?" I realized that she was from the Philippines, so I thought that maybe she just didn't know what the term stillbirth meant. I told her it was a stillbirth, which was a late-term thing. I tried very hard to keep the tears inside, and I succeeded.

My second experience was a week ago. I was getting my haircut, and the girl cutting my hair was getting freaked out by the massive amounts of hair I was losing. To ease her concerns, I told her it was just postpartum hair loss (which has lasted awhile for me, but is now ending thankfully!). Right when I said that, I regretted it. She asked, "Oh how old is your baby?" Honestly, I didn't want to go through it again because I was already nervous about my drastic haircut. So I lied. I said, "6 months." She asked, "Boy or girl?" And I said, "Boy." It actually felt a bit nice to say that--like how awesome it would be if that were true! But then it also was pretty depressing...because it is so not true.

It's definitely an inner battle for me when these questions arise. I've figured out that if it's someone who I will never see again, then it's not worth going into. But if it's someone who I know well or will be spending lots of time with, it's better to just tell them. I think that eventually I will get to a point where when asked how many children I have, I will tell them, "A 2-year old son, and a baby boy in Heaven."

The 6-Month Angelday

2009-09-24T09:49:00.000-06:00

September 12th was Jonas' 6-month "angelday", or "angelversary" as some people say. It was especially difficult for me because I felt a huge sense of loss, even more so than usual. Six months is when most people start feeding their babies solid foods. It's a milestone. It's the first of many, many sad milestones. The one-year is going to SUCK....the 5-year, 13, 16, 18, 21........not to mention every year on his birthday.

I was doing okay, even through sadness, the weekend of his 6th month. Then Zac and I decided to go to church and OF COURSE that's the day they decided to do baby dedications/baptisms. They brought all the parents and their babies and lined them up in the front. The pastor talked about how babies are a gift from God and that the birth of a baby is such a joyous time in parents' lives. I totally lost it. Tears were flowing no matter how hard I tried to stifle them. My throat got all tight--you know the feeling--and I was hoping nobody noticed. If they did, maybe they thought I was just so happy for the parents and their babies, haha....Zac was struggling too, I could tell. I almost got up and left that part, but right when I decided I'd leave, the ceremony was over.

Unfortunately, the birth of a baby is not always a joyous time. In fact, it could be the worst day of your life! It could taint you forever. It might even leave a deep, dark hole in your heart that will never be filled....Yes those are the real facts of life. Not fair at all...

I bought a baby spoon, tied a blue bow on it, and gave it to my mom to leave for Jonas. My mom said that someone also left a little winnie the pooh bear. Just wanted to say thanks to whoever was so thoughtful!

Attempting to Organize my Thoughts

2009-09-23T15:37:00.000-06:00

I am in the process of moving our memorial page from myspace to this blogspot, simply because it feels more like a journal-type page and journaling is what I really want to do. I will still leave the myspace page up, but this is where I will do the most writing and sharing. I haven't really felt like I can easily open up about my grief on public forums because sometimes it is just plain dark and depressing stuff that not many people want to read. So I guess what I am getting at is that this blog will not always be the happy healing blog, but rather the dark journey that grief is. I feel that my journey has been a mostly hopeful and healing one, but some days it is not like that at all. Many times I want to share the horrible raw details with the world because sometimes it just needs to be talked about. Since this is a journey, though, there will be so many wonderful things that I will share as well so please bear with me. I hope to really start opening up on here which means writing more often than I have in the past.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for allowing me to truly open up about things...

The Day We Found Out

2009-09-22T16:30:00.000-06:00

Little Jonas Elliot was born on Thursday, March 12^th at 12:05 p.m. However, he had already entered into God’s hands about a week before. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, which is believed to be the cause.

Zac and I went to my prenatal checkup on my due date-the 11^th. They were unable to find his heartbeat, and an ultrasound revealed that he had passed away. I’ve been going to a German hospital, so as you can imagine, it was frightening seeing all these people crowded around me during the ultrasound and not being able to understand them. Then they all got quiet and the doctor said, “Mrs. Phillips, the baby is not alive.” I will never forget that moment or the way he said those words. I covered my face with my hands and broke down hysterically. I kept asking outloud, “Why now? Why not in the first trimester?” (not that that would not be hard) “This can’t be happening!” “Why now? Why now?”…….I just kept shaking my head no…like this wasn’t my life…this only happens to other people. I knew the worst was yet to come. I would have to go through labor—all that pain—only to have to say goodbye to my baby in the worst possible way. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to see him and hold him—it seemed scary.

I was induced that night. The German way of induction is different in that it can take up to 3 days before you actually have the baby. I just wanted to get it over with. Lots of people were praying back in the states, and those prayers were answered. It took just 16 hours of labor before he was born. For those that knew, I had been planning and preparing for a natural birth. I decided that I was enduring enough emotional pain, and would take meds if I needed them. Towards the end, when labor was very difficult, they talked me into an epidural. I was going through the worst of the contractions while they were preparing the epidural, when I felt a horrendous need to push. My water broke just then, and I began pushing naturally. I would just like to say that I have never endured such physical pain in my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Zac said he’s never heard such “primal noises” before! (Zac was so great throughout the entire thing—he helped me get through it all) I can’t really describe how intense it was for me. I will never forget that moment. Jonas came quickly though, and after he did, we broke down and cried. I remember hearing the sobs of the German midwife who ran out of room after he was born. I think it was very difficult for her. Zac cut the cord, and we held our little boy and just cried. He was so perfect and looked just like Josiah when he was born, except he had little curls. He was 7 lbs. 1 oz. and almost 23 inches long! He had Zac’s nose and hair color, just like Joss. We spent a lot of time with him and said our goodbyes. We felt very peaceful about it because we know that he is happy and safe in Heaven, and we know we’ll see him there someday. God really gave us strength that we never knew we had.