Wednesday, August 17, 2011

In Memory

Lots of memories flooding back to me as a baby girl was laid to rest today. I feel like I should write something today in memory of one of Heaven's newest little angels. Like me, her mommy's dreams were crushed after 9 months of carrying her within. Something so unexpected that changed her and her family's life forever. Life will never be the same for them. That doesn't mean that it will never be beautiful again, because it will. A different sort of beautiful. But only in time. And not anytime soon.

I'm so sorry this had to happen. Why did it have to happen? Something so unfair with such gut-wrenching pain. No one should have to bury their child. Please don't tell me it's God's will. Because the immediate thought is, "What kind of God would take a child from her mother?" I don't believe it's God's will. I believe it's part of residing here on Earth, which is full of so much pain but also full of so much joy and beauty and love. I believe that because it happened, God will use it for Good...somehow. That's just what I believe. I don't claim to have the answers, though. I will find out for sure someday when I'm reunited with Jonas.

On the subject of grief. It's so complex! Raw grief is the worst. Those first few months. When you wonder if you'll ever stop crying. Every time you take a shower you burst into tears at the thought of what just happened to you. Did this really happen? Is this really my life? It wasn't supposed to happen to me. Why didn't the doctors see anything? Could this have been prevented? if only...if only...maybe it's my fault...maybe it's something I ate...Why why why? (It wasn't my fault, it wasn't something I ate...) Yes that horrible raw grief is the most difficult. And then the grief changes into something different...For me it was a sort of peaceful depression. Mixed with crazy hormones that are trying to get back to normal. The world spins around and around and all you see are babies and pregnant women. Movies are full of everything that makes you sad. Your arms are empty. You find yourself comforting those who are trying to comfort one knows what to say, and you don't know what to say back...sometimes silence and a hug is the best response.

It is by far one of the worst things a person will go through. And I HATE that someone else has to experience it. My heart breaks when I hear about another angel. It's so sad and all I can do is pray my heart out. Not only are you grieving, planning a funeral, and burying your child, but you are also a post-partum woman! Anyone who's had a baby knows that it takes time for a woman's body to heal after giving birth. Your body knows you just had a baby and kicks into full gear producing milk and going through hormone changes. To put it lightly, it's not fun.

The good news? There is healing! Lots of ways to heal, too. What would I have done without my family and friends? Especially my mom. She listened to me burst into tears while talking on the phone. She listened (and still does) to all my woes and angry venting. I was hurt by well-intentioned people during that awful time, and my mom listened when I felt like I couldn't share with anyone else. I can't imagine her pain as well--the loss of a grandchild is also something that no one should experience. As cliche as it may sound, I can't imagine how I would have gotten through that time without God by my side. I remember feeling a sense of peace as we drove to the hospital to give birth to my son, knowing fully well that he would not be coming back home with me. It's during those dark times that you really understand that there's someone greater looking after you. Something bigger. Full of perfect love.

Time has healed, and is still healing, my own wounds. It's been 2 and a half years for me, and I look back at that time in my life and my heart hurts because I remember vividly how dark my life felt. As the years keep coming, though, life gets brighter and brighter. I wish only the best for this family as they grieve. I hope the journey is smooth and bright. I hope they feel peace along the way and seek out family and friends to get them through. Sending loving thoughts and prayers their way.