I saw that beating heart today that I've been yearning to see for so long! I was a nervous wreck, but my cousin kept me grounded. She probably doesn't know that, but she kept my mind off of things. For a minute I thought I would throw up right there in the waiting room before the ultrasound! Didn't happen, thankfully! Laying on the ultrasound table with goop being poured on my stomach brought back so many memories and emotions, though. I braced myself as I saw my little baby. I found the little beating heart and all was well. I shed a couple tears but mostly laughed because this baby was so squirmy! She had a beautiful heart rate of 180 bpm. Well now I'm afraid to say "she" because the doctors said with my history of boys it could definitely be a boy! Haha--But I seriously don't care--I was so excited last time to have two boys who could grow up together. So if it is another boy, I'd love it. :) And by the way, I'll find that out on June 7th! They ran a LOT of tests today since it is a high-risk pregnancy medical group. I'm not worried at all about that stuff. They said the baby looked great right now and they have no concerns about downs syndrome or anything. Well that's it for now. THANK YOU so much to everyone who prayed for me and gave me encouragement! I feel so much better today and have a renewed sense of hope.
Tomorrow is my first prenatal appointment. I am 11 weeks and will be 12 weeks on Saturday. You have no idea how scared I am! I think about it all the time and I think how surprised and happy I will be to see a heartbeat. What if there isn't one, though? It's a possibility. I don't THINK it will happen to me, but I still worry. Better now than on my due date, I figure. No signs of miscarriage so far, so I think all is well. I have had many many dreams about miscarrying this baby. I wake up so relieved that it was just a dream! As you can tell, I am very paranoid and very scared. I have so much longer to go, too! God please help me get through this! Pregnancy is supposed to be such a joyous time, but life has tainted me so now my pregnancy is full of fear and "what if"...There is no "safe point" for me in my pregnancy. The books always say that if you get past the first trimester, then miscarriage probably won't happen. Then they say that if you get past 24 weeks and your baby is born early, then there's a great chance she can survive because of medical technology. And then of course once you get into the third trimester...nothing can possibly go wrong except for maybe a premature baby but again the chances of survival are so great at that point. Every book failed to mention how my baby could pass away inside me a week before he was due. I was never warned and I never took kick counts seriously.
So needless to say, I'm so scared! I think that once I see a heartbeat, many worries will wash away. I will be so happy! I will most likely cry. I will probably throw up all morning because of how nervous I will be. My cousin is coming with me and I am SO thankful! I need a lot of support. I will keep you all updated. Please pray for me and little baby Phillips.
Most of you know that I'm pregnant with our third baby. She is due around November 13th. I say "she" because after two boys, it's gotta be a girl! :) Of course I thought Jonas would be a girl and I was wrong, so who knows! I should find out in June.
I would like to start writing about this pregnancy journey because it is already so unlike my last 2 pregnancies. So much fear, paranoia, sadness, happiness, and excitement. Such a mix of emotions. Instead of creating another blog, I'm going to merge both my grief journey and my subsequent pregnancy journey onto this blog. The loss of my 2nd pregnancy has so much to do with this rainbow pregnancy.
"Rainbow Baby": A baby born after the loss of another baby.
It might be a cheesy term, but it's also very fitting. Rainbows are a symbol of God's promises. The first rainbow appeared after the flood that destroyed the entire world except for those faithful to God. I definitely feel like I've been swept away in a flood over the past year. Thankfully, I did not drown. I'm really hoping that this rainbow is meant for me this time.
I got in touch with the best high-risk pregnancy doctors in Colorado. They are a group called Obstetrix/Pediatrix. They work with several hospitals here in Denver, but they recommended that I be seen at St. Lukes/Presbyterian hospital near downtown. I wasn't even sure if I'm considered high-risk or not, so they had to determine that. They decided that they would see me, which was an exception because usually you have to be referred there by your doctor. Since I don't even have a doctor and all this happened in Germany, they made the exception. I'm not sure what they are going to do differently from a normal pregnancy. In Germany, they did an ultrasound at every appointment and did extensive fetal-heart monitoring towards the end (which did no good). They don't usually do that here in America with normal pregnancies. My first appointment isn't until April 28th. I will be almost 12 weeks then.
So you can imagine how difficult it has been not being able to see my baby on an ultrasound or hear her heartbeat. The wait has been unbearable. I know I'm pregnant (5 positive home tests and a blood test say so), but the pessimistic side of me keeps preparing me for the worst. I already know how devastating it is to lay down for an ultrasound and hear no heartbeat. That would be nothing new. I don't know what it's like to have a miscarriage. I have been blessed to never have experienced that. They are more common than late-term stillbirths. I am so terrified, though. I'm afraid that I'll find blood one of these days, and every time I get indigestion I fear that maybe it's cramps and it's ending. My last two pregnancies weren't like this. Of course I worried slightly about miscarriage--every woman does. But now it's like I'm waiting for it. It's awful. I need to change my way of thinking. But I'm also afraid to get my hopes up. I'm trying to just relax and do things for myself--like the pedicure I have lined up (never had one!), facial, etc. I force myself to look at strollers and car seats and cribs. Most of all, I pray. If you pray, PLEASE mention me! Thanks for listening.
~~Just wanted to share a couple photos of us in Texas visiting Zac's family~~ This is Zac and me at Joe T. Garcias, which is a historic Mexican restaurant frequented by celebrities in old downtown Fort Worth.
Joss and me at the park. I'm about 6 or 7 weeks preggo here.
Here's some pictures of Jonas' first birthday in my hometown of Sidney, Nebraska where he is buried. I apologize for taking so long to get these up! Lots of stuff going on in our lives, as usual. It was a very peaceful day, surprisingly! It was so windy, though. We did a balloon release with my parents at the cemetery. We each let go of a balloon, but they all got stuck in the pine trees or popped!! It was pretty funny. I assume that was Jonas' sense of humor at work there since I'm sure he takes after his daddy and brother. :) However, my mom let go of hers last and it was the only one that made it! It was the yellow one, so that must be his favorite color. We were happy that he at least got one balloon in Heaven. :)
This page has been written in loving memory of our baby boy, Jonas Elliot, who was born quietly into the arms of Jesus on March 12th, 2009-a day after his due date-in Wittlich, Germany. He will forever be in our hearts.
Zac and I are also blessed with our son, Josiah Liam, who keeps us entertained and busy! On 11.04.2010, we were blessed with our rainbow baby Julien Reese! Our little comedian. :)