Monday, May 31, 2010

Another Day for Remembering

Memorial Day

Once again I am not in Sidney to be able to put flowers on Jonas' grave. I had to work today so it just wasn't possible. I did give him a couple of things when we were in Sidney last weekend, so here's a picture of the grave then. Please pardon the bird dad always drives out to the cemetery with a bottle of water and keeps it clean, but when I took the picture he hadn't gone out there yet. My mom told me today that someone left a fresh calla lily for him. So sweet! Thank you to whomever did that. I love when others think about my baby boy.

In other news, I am 16 weeks pregnant now. I had my second prenatal appointment on May 19th (Josiah's birthday!). They did a very quick ultrasound just to hear the heartbeat so I got to see my little baby again! Still too early to tell the sex, though. Everything looked good. Zac and Josiah got to see the baby too. I'm doing excellent with my weight gain! The past two times I gained so much weight in the first trimester alone, and I haven't even come close to that yet and I'm in the second trimester. My next appointment is in exactly two weeks and that's when they will do the big important ultrasound where they look very closely at anything that could be wrong. It will be scary, but that's when I will find out if it's a boy or a girl so that's exciting! I'm tired of wondering! Still thinking it's a girl... ;)


Here's a little comparison of my pregnancies: (Unfortunately I didn't take a picture of myself at around 15 weeks while I was pregnant with Josiah)

15 Weeks Pregnant with Jonas

14 Weeks pregnant with #3

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Poem About Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes,
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Hoping and Waiting

That's pretty much my life these days--lots of hoping and waiting. I am hoping this baby stays put and stays alive, and I am waiting impatiently for each appointment where I can hear the heartbeat and also for the next 6 months to pass quickly. My next appointment is on Josiah's 3rd birthday--May 19th. Next week! It's not an ultrasound, but I'm assuming they will listen to the heartbeat with the fetal monitor. I am approximately 13 weeks and 3 days and my baby is the size of a lime, apparently. :) Most sources say that puts me in the second trimester, but some say I'm still in the first. I get a little pregnancy newsletter each week, and this week said that I'm out of the "high-risk zone"!! yay!! haha...that was slightly sarcastic because like I've said before, I'll never be out of the zone!

Lots of baby boys being born on facebook these days!! And I can honestly say that I am so happy for all of my friends! I couldn't say that honestly a year ago, because it was very difficult seeing babies born soon after Jonas. I felt horrible feelings that one usually wouldn't admit to, but I will because I'm not going to hide anything on here. I felt jealous that MY baby did not get to live (for what reason?) and I felt stripped of the joy that comes with sharing photos of new babies. (I felt stripped of EVERYTHING)... I had photos, that's true. But they're photos that make people cry with sadness and they're photos that people are too afraid to look at. A photo of a dead baby is simply morbid, right? Not at all! We cherish the photos we have of Jonas. Though he was pretty bruised up and swollen, he was so beautiful to US. And really that's all the photos are for. The reason I had his picture painted (THANK YOU KELLY KOZAK!!) was specifically so I could share my son with pride just like everyone else. I have come a very long way from those raw feelings of sadness and grief. Grief that is so new is so complex and the feelings that come with it are so confusing. I'm not sure what stage I'm in, but being able to finally be happy for other people is a weight lifted from my shoulders. Being pregnant myself has helped, but my happiness began before my rainbow baby.

Zac and I have been considering names! I've had a girl name picked out since I was in college--I've just been waiting on the girl! Juliana Rose, and also considering Juliana Lorie. Lorie is a middle name that has been passed down on my grandma's side of the family. The reason why we gave Josiah his name is because I wanted all J's since I grew up with 4 B's. So when we found out that Jonas was a boy, we had a heck of a time finding another J-name for a boy!! Sooo....will this be our Juliana? The entire reasoning behind the J's? haha....I'll find out on June 14th! As for boy names, we're considering Julien and Jack. No middle names yet. I do have friends whose sons are named Jack, so hopefully I'm not breaking any rules by using it too? haha...It's super cute, though. I really like Julien also, and if I can't have my Juliana then how about a Julien? ;)