Friday, December 18, 2009

December... such a difficult month for mourners. The cold does not do much to warm the heart. The sunshine is great, though--it's so good to be back in America where the sun shines even when it's cold! I have missed the sun, which is evident by my ghostly complexion! Plus, it's Christmas time, and there will always be someone missing.

This past weekend, which happened to be Jonas' 9-month angelday, we spent in Sidney visiting my family. I wanted to decorate Jonas' grave all Christmas-y before the 25th so it was a great weekend to do it. My mom and I twisted some pine branches together and made a nice little bouquet. Zac, my dad, and I took it out to the cemetery. We saw some deer tracks all around the grave and the cemetery--it was beautiful!

Later that night we attended the worldwide annual candle-lighting ceremony in honor of children who have died. The painting of Jonas was shown on the big slide show along with many other children who have died in Sidney, dating back to the 1950's. We also went up to the front and set a candle down and received a rose when his name was called. It was very sad looking at all those who have passed away, especially since many of them were in my graduating class. It's so weird that they're not here anymore. Zac and I always talk about how much worse things could have been with Jonas. Some people might think differently, but we are very glad that he passed away before he was born as opposed to dying from SIDS or anytime after birth. I think that would have been much more difficult.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


It has been a very long journey, but I finally have a diagnosis that explains everything I am feeling. Last week I had several blood tests done and this week I was informed by my doctor that I have hypothyroidism. I never thought I'd be so happy to have this "disease"! But for me it means that I have some answers and now I can find solutions. I literally spend hours researching everything in my life. I love being well-informed about everything that has to do with me and my family, and a major part of that is health. I honestly do not trust doctors at all, and the only thing about them that I am thankful for is surgery and other life-saving interventions. The reason why I do not trust them is because it seems like they really truly do not know what they're talking about most of the time. I can find out for myself what's wrong with me and then find out which medications would suit me best and even the dosage I need. All from reading a freakin' book and other publications online. Craziness. That's how I discovered that just MAYBE I had a thyroid problem.

Last week I went to a doctor with prepared notes in hand. I told him what tests I wanted done, all my symptoms, and which medications I wanted and which I did NOT want. I knew exactly what he would say to each of those, so I also had responses prepared. It is quite humorous to me that a book can foresee what a doctor will tell you, and many times the doctors are wrong. For example, it is essential to get all 5 thyroid tests--not just the TSH. However, doctors will fight you over that. You have to stand your ground, because the accuracy of the TSH test is not up to par. And if you do have a thyroid problem, they will put you on a medication (usually synthroid) that is not the most optimal medication. Most people do even better on T4 AND T3 medication. Synthroid is T4 only. Just a little tidbit of info that is extremely boring to everyone but me. ;)

The doctor refused to test my reproductive hormones, because he said that if they were off-balance then I would not be ovulating. That's just simply not true. A little research can tell you that. I didn't fight that one, because I felt that the thyroid thing was more of a possibility.

I also wanted my cortisol levels tested because of the amount of stress I've been under this year. He told me that if they were messed up, then I'd be so sick I'd be in the hospital. Also NOT true. Adrenal glands will continue to function at very low levels just to get you by, but you are very unmotivated in every area of your life.

I was very emotional that day, and of course I had to tell him about Jonas so I sat there and sobbed in front of this dude I'd never met. The look in his eyes is hard to forget. It was such a look of pity. He basically told me that what I REALLY needed was to go to therapy because it had been 9 months and obviously I was still struggling. What? It's ONLY been 9 months. Silly dude. It's called grief and it will never go away, but it will settle down some. The symptoms I have are different. I've felt so different for so long now. Like something's wrong. I'm not the same person, and I don't really laugh anymore. When I do, it's because I've been drinking or it's being forced to some extent. I have lots of other symptoms, but some are a little too personal. I'm just not who I used to be. I do not cry over Jonas very much. Once in awhile, I do, but hardly ever these days. I cry because I am simply unhappy, but I can't figure out why. I see so much good in my life, but I still cry. It's as if there's a dark cloud hovering around me and all I want is to see that happy stuff clearly-- I know it's there!

So because I was so emotional and guys get scared of crying girls, the doctor said he would do all those tests I requested except the sex hormones. woohoo! When my tests came back, the guy on the phone said everything was fine for the most part (what does that mean?) except the thyroid. I thought, "HA! I WAS RIGHT!" It's not me...I am truly sick. I'm not crazy and uptight and frigid...I'm just sick. I have looked into the adrenal glands some more, because many times thyroid goes hand in hand with adrenal glands (stress hormones). I fit the description perfectly. There is even a test you can do at home to determine if one of the adrenal hormones is low--go into a dark room with a mirror and a flashlight. Shine the light on your eye from the side of your head. The pupil should stay small, but if something's wrong then the pupil will go from small to large to small--as if it is struggling to stay small. So I did this...and guess what? My adrenal glands are worn out and I am sick again. So the next step? Well, since I won't have insurance anymore as of next week because Zac is separating from the military, I am going OTC (over the counter) and ordering from a highly recommended company (don't worry, I researched it haha) called Nutri-meds. I am very excited to begin the medication and see if my life transforms. Please wish me the best on my new medication journey! And if you're struggling with moods of any kind, please read this book. It may have saved my life in many ways, as it was what made me think, "MAYBE my thyroid is screwed up."