It's the Big 0-4! Happy Birthday, Little Man!

Happy Birthday, Big Boy!!  Although I cannot picture you as a little boy, I imagine that you'd look a lot like Josiah only with darker curly hair like me. :)  When I think of you, I think of baby Jonas--not big boy Jonas.  I'm sad that I didn't get to know you as either a baby or a little boy.  I miss you dearly, I'm disappointed that you're not a part of our everyday family life, and I still think it's unfair what happened to us four years ago.  We experienced a terrible part of life.  It could have been worse, I suppose. Was there good that came of it?  You and I both know that Julien would not be here if you had not left.  However, I wish I could have all three of you boys alive and well in our new little house.  I suppose this is too deep of a conversation to be having with a four year old. :)  Happy Birthday, Jonas! Hope you enjoyed your party today and I hope you were able to snatch onto at least one of the balloons we sent up to you earlier.  I love you.

Mommy

Moving Forward

I haven't even checked on this page in almost a year.  Could that be a good thing?  Jonas' 4th birthday is coming up, and the idea that he will be 4 is unbelievable to me!  Since moving to Sidney, I haven't really gotten into the habit of visiting his grave as much as I'd like to.  Being in Germany and then Denver for his first 3 years kept me out of the habit of visiting him often, unfortunately.  I did go visit last week, and his resting place is as peaceful as it always has been.  My parents saw deer out there last week, and my good friend the owl swoops over every once in a while when I'm out there. :)

I suppose I should analyze my grief at this point.  After four years, I have definitely moved forward in my life.  So many things happen in life after four years.  A mind cannot dwell constantly on such a painful part of life for four years straight.  I'd say I go back to "that place" in my mind where I think of details approximately twice per year.  It is sad, but necessary...and I don't cry anymore.  I feel a quick sense of unfairness and bitterness, but then I move on and go about my life and continue to raise my hilarious little guys, Joss and Julien.

As Joss gets older, he talks about death more and more.  He is still trying to understand how Jonas fits into our lives.  Jonas' picture is on our wall along with theirs, and both of them know who he is.  Of course, Julien only knows his name and not his story.  Joss talks about Jonas dying and living in Heaven.  I'm sure it's very confusing to him, because he doesn't remember Jonas since he didn't get to meet him.

My next goal will be to do more in his memory.  I think it'd be great to give the local funeral homes gift bags for those who lose babies.  I'd include all the things I wish I'd had to comfort me when I was planning my son's funeral.  Now I am thinking of all the amazing people in our lives who helped us through that time.  And I will save that for a future post--one where I thank everyone I can think of for all the specific things they did for us. :)