Hoping and Waiting

That's pretty much my life these days--lots of hoping and waiting. I am hoping this baby stays put and stays alive, and I am waiting impatiently for each appointment where I can hear the heartbeat and also for the next 6 months to pass quickly. My next appointment is on Josiah's 3rd birthday--May 19th. Next week! It's not an ultrasound, but I'm assuming they will listen to the heartbeat with the fetal monitor. I am approximately 13 weeks and 3 days and my baby is the size of a lime, apparently. :) Most sources say that puts me in the second trimester, but some say I'm still in the first. I get a little pregnancy newsletter each week, and this week said that I'm out of the "high-risk zone"!! yay!! haha...that was slightly sarcastic because like I've said before, I'll never be out of the zone!

Lots of baby boys being born on facebook these days!! And I can honestly say that I am so happy for all of my friends! I couldn't say that honestly a year ago, because it was very difficult seeing babies born soon after Jonas. I felt horrible feelings that one usually wouldn't admit to, but I will because I'm not going to hide anything on here. I felt jealous that MY baby did not get to live (for what reason?) and I felt stripped of the joy that comes with sharing photos of new babies. (I felt stripped of EVERYTHING)... I had photos, that's true. But they're photos that make people cry with sadness and they're photos that people are too afraid to look at. A photo of a dead baby is simply morbid, right? Not at all! We cherish the photos we have of Jonas. Though he was pretty bruised up and swollen, he was so beautiful to US. And really that's all the photos are for. The reason I had his picture painted (THANK YOU KELLY KOZAK!!) was specifically so I could share my son with pride just like everyone else. I have come a very long way from those raw feelings of sadness and grief. Grief that is so new is so complex and the feelings that come with it are so confusing. I'm not sure what stage I'm in, but being able to finally be happy for other people is a weight lifted from my shoulders. Being pregnant myself has helped, but my happiness began before my rainbow baby.

Zac and I have been considering names! I've had a girl name picked out since I was in college--I've just been waiting on the girl! Juliana Rose, and also considering Juliana Lorie. Lorie is a middle name that has been passed down on my grandma's side of the family. The reason why we gave Josiah his name is because I wanted all J's since I grew up with 4 B's. So when we found out that Jonas was a boy, we had a heck of a time finding another J-name for a boy!! Sooo....will this be our Juliana? The entire reasoning behind the J's? haha....I'll find out on June 14th! As for boy names, we're considering Julien and Jack. No middle names yet. I do have friends whose sons are named Jack, so hopefully I'm not breaking any rules by using it too? haha...It's super cute, though. I really like Julien also, and if I can't have my Juliana then how about a Julien? ;)