30 Weeks

Technically, almost 31 weeks as of tomorrow! 30 is a big one for me. I feel like the countdown is really on now. Since I will be induced at 39 weeks "just in case", I only have 8 weeks left. Julien will be here in two months. I've been nesting like crazy, buying little things here and there. My mom and dad ordered his crib, so that should be here soon. I've been getting lots of nursing supplies together, because I really struggled when I began breastfeeding Joss. I ended up being successful for 14 months, though. I am hoping this time will go smoother in the beginning, and now I will have some things that would have been useful during that trying time with Joss.

My cousin Krista and sister Brianna are planning a baby shower for me in a couple of weeks! I couldn't decide if I wanted/needed one since I've already prepared for two baby boys in the past 4 years, but they talked me into it! ;) I didn't have one for Jonas because we were in Germany and were never able to travel back home during that pregnancy. I always felt a little sad that he didn't get that celebration, which is why I kind of feel guilty that I get a shower for Josiah and Julien. And yet, how difficult would that have been to have had all these gifts for Jonas and not know what to do with them when he passed away? I have a few outfits that were given to me for him and some that I bought, and I still tear up when I see them. So it was definitely a good thing that I did not have a shower for him. I really don't think he minds, anyway. ;) THANK YOU Krista and Brianna for planning my shower! It really means a lot to me, as this pregnancy is definitely something to celebrate!

Okay I've got to get this off my chest. If one more person comments on how big I am already, I will freak out! I mean, it's just rude! Please, just leave the large and uncomfortable pregnant woman alone--you do not want to mess with her! LOL....oh, and while we're talking about comments, I'm also really getting tired of this question, "Is this your first baby?" by complete strangers. EVERYWHERE I go, seriously! Three times just this week. Of course, I'm sure this happens to every pregnant girl, but most don't have to struggle with their answer. I've been saying it's my third, because that's the truth. I know I always talk about this in my blog, but that's because it's the one thing that continuously comes up and that always makes me feel a slight twinge of pain in my heart. It's fine when that's the end of the conversation, but lately it has led to, "Oh, how old are your other two?" (They're 3 and 1 and a half.) "Oh so you're going to be SO busy!" (yep, sure.) "Boys or girls?" (Boys.) I know that people mean well--pregnancy is a great conversation starter. I don't wish harm upon them, don't worry. But honestly, I just really want to be left alone lately. I hate the attention I get this time. Probably because of the fear surrounding this pregnancy. While most people are so happy and glowing, I am a total downer and I know I'm not a joy to be around. This pregnancy has been so demanding both emotionally and physically. I wanted it to be very peaceful and stress-free, but it hasn't turned out that way. It has been the most stressful pregnancy of all three. And that scares me. There are many reasons why I am under a lot of stress, but I don't want to share them here. I wish I could hide under a blanket all day with no one around me and just enjoy complete silence. I need some sort of peace right now, but I don't feel that it will come to me anytime soon. I just want my little Julien to be free of my dangerous body and safe in my arms. Not yet though...wait at least 6 weeks, little guy, and then come meet your anxiously awaiting parents. :)

Thanks for listening...

B.

30 Weeks pregnant with Joss, Jonas, and Julien, respectively