Sunday, January 10, 2010

A New Day

The new year is going to bring new beginnings! I am looking forward to what 2010 will bring. Several of my friends are pregnant with little boys, and I am excited for the joy they will be experiencing soon! I love little boys, but I'm a bit biased since I've had two of them. When I was pregnant with Josiah, all my friends had little girls around that same time. And now that my friends are pregnant with boys, I'm wondering if maybe that means that my next pregnancy will bring me a little girl. Just a thought. Zac and I would like to get pregnant sometime this year, but I have a lot of growth and healing that I need to do before that happens. Jonas' first birthday is coming up quickly--I'm very nervous about the entire month of March. Memories can be so powerful, and I will be plagued by them--even the celebration of my own birthday on March 2nd will be difficult because I will remember my birthday last year and how excited I was feeling about the upcoming birth of Jonas. The 11th will be difficult because that's the day I found out that my little boy was no longer alive. I'm hoping that the 12th will be a peaceful day, though. One where I can feel relief that Jonas is playing joyfully in Heaven instead of enduring this sometimes cruel world. I don't even remember what day his funeral was on. How sad is that? That's how much of a blur my life was right after I gave birth. I know I could dig through things and find the funeral program which has the date on it. But I'd rather not. I am going to take time off from work and spend that time in Sidney with my parents so that I can visit his grave on his birthday. Such difficult emotions I will be feeling, but sometimes I have to allow such sadness to overcome me--they're real, raw feelings that I am meant to have.

Here's to healing and joy in 2010!


  1. I think that is good that you are letting yourself feel the sadness. I think there is a lot of healing in that, and we all know how hard it is to keep it all bottled up. I hope March is a peaceful month for you. I hope you find the healing you need. I'll send some happy thoughts your way!

  2. It is true that boys are simply awesome. I only knew girls until Finn brightened our lives in May-- and I was a bit afraid of what to expect-- but he has healed my heart in ways I never knew possible. And he is just so different from his big sister(s).

    As your first year anniversary approaches, know that there are so many people thinking of you and holding you close. I hope you find that Jonas' birthday is peaceful. <3

    He is just a beautiful baby. His red hair makes me think of my own sunshine in heaven. <3

  3. I really appreciate that, thank you!