Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A New Journey

Most of you know that I'm pregnant with our third baby. She is due around November 13th. I say "she" because after two boys, it's gotta be a girl! :) Of course I thought Jonas would be a girl and I was wrong, so who knows! I should find out in June.

I would like to start writing about this pregnancy journey because it is already so unlike my last 2 pregnancies. So much fear, paranoia, sadness, happiness, and excitement. Such a mix of emotions. Instead of creating another blog, I'm going to merge both my grief journey and my subsequent pregnancy journey onto this blog. The loss of my 2nd pregnancy has so much to do with this rainbow pregnancy.

"Rainbow Baby": A baby born after the loss of another baby.

It might be a cheesy term, but it's also very fitting. Rainbows are a symbol of God's promises. The first rainbow appeared after the flood that destroyed the entire world except for those faithful to God. I definitely feel like I've been swept away in a flood over the past year. Thankfully, I did not drown. I'm really hoping that this rainbow is meant for me this time.

I got in touch with the best high-risk pregnancy doctors in Colorado. They are a group called Obstetrix/Pediatrix. They work with several hospitals here in Denver, but they recommended that I be seen at St. Lukes/Presbyterian hospital near downtown. I wasn't even sure if I'm considered high-risk or not, so they had to determine that. They decided that they would see me, which was an exception because usually you have to be referred there by your doctor. Since I don't even have a doctor and all this happened in Germany, they made the exception. I'm not sure what they are going to do differently from a normal pregnancy. In Germany, they did an ultrasound at every appointment and did extensive fetal-heart monitoring towards the end (which did no good). They don't usually do that here in America with normal pregnancies. My first appointment isn't until April 28th. I will be almost 12 weeks then.

So you can imagine how difficult it has been not being able to see my baby on an ultrasound or hear her heartbeat. The wait has been unbearable. I know I'm pregnant (5 positive home tests and a blood test say so), but the pessimistic side of me keeps preparing me for the worst. I already know how devastating it is to lay down for an ultrasound and hear no heartbeat. That would be nothing new. I don't know what it's like to have a miscarriage. I have been blessed to never have experienced that. They are more common than late-term stillbirths. I am so terrified, though. I'm afraid that I'll find blood one of these days, and every time I get indigestion I fear that maybe it's cramps and it's ending. My last two pregnancies weren't like this. Of course I worried slightly about miscarriage--every woman does. But now it's like I'm waiting for it. It's awful. I need to change my way of thinking. But I'm also afraid to get my hopes up. I'm trying to just relax and do things for myself--like the pedicure I have lined up (never had one!), facial, etc. I force myself to look at strollers and car seats and cribs. Most of all, I pray. If you pray, PLEASE mention me! Thanks for listening.


~~Just wanted to share a couple photos of us in Texas visiting Zac's family~~

This is Zac and me at Joe T. Garcias, which is a historic Mexican restaurant frequented by celebrities in old downtown Fort Worth.

Joss and me at the park. I'm about 6 or 7 weeks preggo here.

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