Rollercoaster

I feel like I'm on one! Some days are so wonderful, but others are so difficult. This pregnancy is so scary. I feel that paranoia until each appointment I go to. It's like I live for the next appointment and I can't breathe in between. I am so scared that my baby is no longer alive, even though very deep down I know she'll be okay. I no longer possess the happy ignorance that most pregnant women have, unfortunately. I long to be ignorant again. This type of ignorance is a good one because it allows you to have a peaceful, worry-free pregnancy because stillbirths only happen to OTHER people. So, since it's already happened to me, you'd think I'd be off the hook, right? I'm hoping so. I'm praying every night and everyday. I pray that I'll go into labor 2-3 weeks early on my own because I hate being induced. But there is no way I'm allowing myself to be pregnant past 39 weeks, because that's around the time Jonas passed away. So if I have to be induced, I definitely will for peace of mind.

There is an organization called Tiny Heartbeats - www.tinyheartbeats.org - that rents out dopplers for free to pregnant women who have lost a previous pregnancy. You have to get a prescription from your doctor, and then they mail you the doppler. The purpose of it is mainly for peace of mind. I can listen to my baby's heartbeat just for comfort. I got the prescription at my last appointment, but I'm on a waiting list to get the doppler. Hopefully I can get it soon. It will especially be needed during the last couple of months.

Well, if you haven't entered a guess in my baby pool, you should do it soon! It's on the right hand side of this page. I find out next Monday (14th) if it's a boy or a girl. I'm hoping the baby cooperates so we can find out. I need to know if I'm on team pink or team blue. :) Oh, and at 17 weeks 3 days, baby is the size of an apple (that's for you, Brianna!).